Surviving in Canada

I have returned from a small trip to Canada (not Kandahar – don’t get those fcukers mixed up over the phone, believe me) and I thought I’d offer some survival/travel tips like a sort of Lofty Wiseman/Lonely Planet hybrid. Here they are:

1. Don’t go – it’s sh1t
2. Canadians don’t speak the Queen’s English. They only understand one thing – being patronised. Talk down to them, and when they start harping on about their ‘history’ and Princess Ethelberts Highland Rifles’ exploits during the Battle of Mboto Gorge, smile wanly, pat him on the head and send him off to get a G-and-T-there’s-a-good-chap
3. Their cars don’t have proper gears. Over the past year most of the yokels have forgotten how to drive in the snow and think they’re Colin McRae. To solve both problems, make sure you hire the biggest 4x4 that National can offer – stipulate a gear shift. If any of the donkey-wallopers hit you, it will hurt them more.
4. The girls don’t look like that one off the X-files. They don’t even look like Celine Dion. Most of them look like the sturdy one from the Carry-On films.
5. Except in Earls. Earls is a Bar/Grill chain that is effectively an upmarket Hooters. The lasses are stunning and, in keeping with the national pastime, a bit stupid. If you must go, make sure you visit Earls. If you Google them, the website doesn’t even do the girls justice.
6. Canadian beer is mostly P1ss. Literally. I think they get all the unemployed mingers to p1ss in a vat then chuck in some hops. It’s called Keith’s. The only Keith I know is a ginger and can’t brew beer to save his life. Fort Garry Dark is passable however.
7. The prices they mark on everything are wrong. If something is marked $5, it’s actually going to cost you more like $6 as they add two types of tax to everything. Everyone pays these taxes. Why they don’t mark things properly is known only to them. Check-out girls look at you stupidly if you seek clarification on the subject, then ask you if you’re Australian.
8. Slapping check-out girls is a felony in Canada.
9. Quebec is nice but it’s full of french people.
10. French blokes don’t like it when you chat their women up (see “No Topic”). I knew this already but it’s always fun to wind those fcukers up.
11. It’s bl**dy cold. Naked Bar is out.
12. Air Canada is one of the worst airlines I have ever flown with. That includes the RAF and the Hungarian psychos who tried to kill me once. They had to lay off loads of cabin crew recently and opted to keep all the old ‘experienced’ hostesses (d’uh!). That means they're incompetent and ugly. It’s like the return of the WRAC.
13. No-one in Canada likes being called a “Slack-Jawed Lumberjack”

*Disclaimer – regrettably, nearly all the Canadians I met were top guys. I’m just taking the urine because I’m british and our army is too small to invade anyone anymore. It makes me feel big and clever at your expense.
PS. Don't go on a pub crawl in Calgary dressed as pirates. They don't like it. It's a 'gang' thing.

PPS. Whilst on a pub crawl in Calgary, dressed as pirates, go into 'French Maids'. They liked it. The girls, not the bar staff.
And every single one of them can bore you rigid with accounts of their time at "PETAWAWA"(including primary school teachers,children and sheep)

HA!!! IROTFLMFAO!!..So hard I p!ssed my pants and now can't make a new batch of beer.

you should have called...
no one in the right mind drinks mass-produced Canuck beer [ owned by the Belgians or Americans anyway ] but has top drawer quality microbrew stuff ..

As for Princess Ethelberts...they never fought at the Gorge..that was the Royal Prince Harold's Athabaska Fusiliers... get your history right firgawdsakes...

You ungrateful git!..
It took me years to learn computer code from the kindergarten kid down the street.. That's real computerspeak..and actually means something.. not unlike %^&*#@%(* you!!..only with more feeling...

For the translation just click on ' START' then go to ' FIND ' then ' FILES/PROGRAMS ' then ' ACCESSORIES ' then 'MENU ' then click on ' GEEKSPEEK ' and then ' F&*KYERSELF.COM '...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Kit Reviewer

You must use the pro-word "No Wah"


Similar threads

Latest Threads