I have returned from a small trip to Canada (not Kandahar â donât get those fcukers mixed up over the phone, believe me) and I thought Iâd offer some survival/travel tips like a sort of Lofty Wiseman/Lonely Planet hybrid. Here they are: 1. Donât go â itâs sh1t 2. Canadians donât speak the Queenâs English. They only understand one thing â being patronised. Talk down to them, and when they start harping on about their âhistoryâ and Princess Ethelberts Highland Riflesâ exploits during the Battle of Mboto Gorge, smile wanly, pat him on the head and send him off to get a G-and-T-thereâs-a-good-chap 3. Their cars donât have proper gears. Over the past year most of the yokels have forgotten how to drive in the snow and think theyâre Colin McRae. To solve both problems, make sure you hire the biggest 4x4 that National can offer â stipulate a gear shift. If any of the donkey-wallopers hit you, it will hurt them more. 4. The girls donât look like that one off the X-files. They donât even look like Celine Dion. Most of them look like the sturdy one from the Carry-On films. 5. Except in Earls. Earls is a Bar/Grill chain that is effectively an upmarket Hooters. The lasses are stunning and, in keeping with the national pastime, a bit stupid. If you must go, make sure you visit Earls. If you Google them, the website doesnât even do the girls justice. 6. Canadian beer is mostly P1ss. Literally. I think they get all the unemployed mingers to p1ss in a vat then chuck in some hops. Itâs called Keithâs. The only Keith I know is a ginger and canât brew beer to save his life. Fort Garry Dark is passable however. 7. The prices they mark on everything are wrong. If something is marked $5, itâs actually going to cost you more like $6 as they add two types of tax to everything. Everyone pays these taxes. Why they donât mark things properly is known only to them. Check-out girls look at you stupidly if you seek clarification on the subject, then ask you if youâre Australian. 8. Slapping check-out girls is a felony in Canada. 9. Quebec is nice but itâs full of french people. 10. French blokes donât like it when you chat their women up (see âNo Topicâ). I knew this already but itâs always fun to wind those fcukers up. 11. Itâs bl**dy cold. Naked Bar is out. 12. Air Canada is one of the worst airlines I have ever flown with. That includes the RAF and the Hungarian psychos who tried to kill me once. They had to lay off loads of cabin crew recently and opted to keep all the old âexperiencedâ hostesses (dâuh!). That means they're incompetent and ugly. Itâs like the return of the WRAC. 13. No-one in Canada likes being called a âSlack-Jawed Lumberjackâ *Disclaimer â regrettably, nearly all the Canadians I met were top guys. Iâm just taking the urine because Iâm british and our army is too small to invade anyone anymore. It makes me feel big and clever at your expense.