Survival...

#1
Apologies if this has been done before..

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"
 
#2
I heard that the Police go into the bushes in a marked Police Vehicle and spend six weeks setting up a new community action scheme with the help of partners from the local youth offending teams, council leaders and Positive action groups. After over £250,000 being spent and several ASBO's being applied for they come back out with a Rabbit in cuffs. However the trainers say they don't think there is enough evidence to suggest that the rabbit is actually a rabbit and make the decision to not charge it.

:D
 
#3
Closet_Jibber said:
I heard that the Police go into the bushes in a marked Police Vehicle and spend six weeks setting up a new community action scheme with the help of partners from the local youth offending teams, council leaders and Positive action groups. After over £250,000 being spent and several ASBO's being applied for they come back out with a Rabbit in cuffs. However the trainers say they don't think there is enough evidence to suggest that the rabbit is actually a rabbit and make the decision to not charge it.

:D
My bold. You forgot the bit where the rabbit sues the cops for use of excessive force and gets a BFO taxpayer-funded payout.
 
#4
Gubmint_Agent said:
Closet_Jibber said:
I heard that the Police go into the bushes in a marked Police Vehicle and spend six weeks setting up a new community action scheme with the help of partners from the local youth offending teams, council leaders and Positive action groups. After over £250,000 being spent and several ASBO's being applied for they come back out with a Rabbit in cuffs. However the trainers say they don't think there is enough evidence to suggest that the rabbit is actually a rabbit and make the decision to not charge it.

:D
My bold. You forgot the bit where the rabbit sues the cops for use of excessive force and gets a BFO taxpayer-funded payout.
Oh sorry. That was going to come in my next installment. When A Professional Standards Rep trying to get a name for herself rings the rabbits family and asks them if they were happy with the service provided by the arresting officers. Then proceeds to advise a complaint so she can tick that box and hopefully pass her IPCC application pack :D

A good oppurtunity for the others involved in catching rabbits to ambush the rabbits Persian relatives who have come to watch the trial, the Talibunnies.
 
#5
Surely the RAF Regiment would be on this trip - Anyone care to comment?
 
#7
Closet_Jibber said:
Surely the RAF Regiment would be on this trip - Anyone care to comment?
Still driving around the perimeter fence, waiting for the rabbits to show themselves.
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#9
Markintime said:
Closet_Jibber said:
Surely the RAF Regiment would be on this trip - Anyone care to comment?
The RAF Regiment are still trying to locate the wood.
RAF Reggy point out to the trainer the wood is outside the wire and nothing to do with them
Park up the wimiks and walk back into the EFI to order rabbit stew and chips
A mix up with soft drinks causes them to declare the they may have gone a fridge to far,remove oakleys, smile and pose for females then punch a guin and call endex
Wander back to the block check e mails and complain about hardships and length of tour :wink:
 

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