Supermarket Pirates

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by PartTimePongo, Jan 11, 2005.

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  1. Courtesy of half-Bakery - Great site, but some of the ideas are errrr less than serious :D

    While your faithful assistant pushes your trolley, you ride, in full pirate captain regalia, in the bows. On sighting a laden merchant ship / somebody else's trolley, unfurl the Jolly Roger, come alongside, board ship and plunder. Should trouble be sighted on the horizon in the form of the King's Navy, or even store security, flee to the Checkout Havens. If cornered, defend to the last man with tins of beans and packets of biscuits
  2. You need to get out more PTP :D
  3. Yep.

  4. I fear you are right MB.

    Mind you, watrching the ritual bloodletting in the local Tesco's at Crimbo, when the "They are going to run out of Turkeys" panic sets in , and watching normal housewives behaving like freebooters , as they helped themselves to the Turkey in someone else's trolly, did make me think , why not?

    Mind you, you'd want one of them proper trolleys , not the one with the sticking wheel that made you go sideways.

    Or would that make it more authentic.

    Must try it in Lidl sometime, all them somali cutthroats would be up for it I reckon :D
  5. RTFQ


    I'm ashamed to admit that in my previous unmilitary life I used to work part time for a major supermarket chain (let's just call it Tascos). Saturday mornings were the best as I'd be hung over and only the SERIOUSLY psychotic wives came out at 0830 on a saturday morning to do the week's shopping - not only were they organised enough to 'beat the rush' but they would have dragged their husband (who'd presumably worked a full week by this stage) and kids out of bed around 0700/0730 in order to make opening time. On a saturday.

    Obviously, the saturday prior to christmas was the best time of all. For anyone who has seen the opening sequences of the new Dawn of the Dead film, it was just like that. Just before the end of my morning shift, me and a civvy mate of mine were tasked with distributing till rolls to the check outs. For some reson, these came in two big cash boxes (they changed this practice eventually after a young female employee got mugged in the frozen goods aisle for her box of blank rolled paper). Me and said mate (who is now a copper) decided to have a bit of fun. As we came out of the office with the boxes, we headed for either end of the line of checkouts. On the way we ensured we'd had a conspiratorial word with the more psychotic looking harridens: "look love, if I were you I'd head to the tills and pay up quick, the tills are running out of float money and the managers going to have to close up in about 5-10 minutes."

    The best thing about pack mentality is that you only have to tell a few dominant animals before the rest get the hint. We rode the surge of humanity to the tills, handed the check out girls (now looking like bewildered Rorkes Drift defenders) their till rolls and knocked off for the day to shouts of "back off! I was here first." and the epitomous southern chavette high-pitched call of "what you lookin at?" The best bit was when we turned round at the exit, almost arm in arm with pride to survey the scene. One husband had clearly made a combat estimate of the situation and realised it was time to bug out - he was trying to issue QBOs to the missus but she was having none of it. We couldn't hear the fist part of the conversation as they were too far away, but we DID see the woman slap the poor b@stard round the face and the whole supermarket heard her scream "will you just fcuking start taking christmas seriously!" even better followed as, in the stunned silence that briefly hung over the supermarket, their toddler (sat in the trolley) started to cry. "Now look what you've done!" screamed the woman no less loudly and HIT HIM AGAIN!
    After a few beers over lunch we assuaged our guilt by concluding that it was the stupid b@stards fault for getting married...
  6. CLASS!!!! :lol:

    I salute you RTFQ! A fruitful career in Retail management awaits you! There are loads of supermarket chains dying to employ you.

    Can you sign off now?
  7. RTFQ


    Why should I? The army lets me blow sh1t up.
  8. The Army lets me look at shiit :twisted:
  9. X-Inf

    X-Inf War Hero Book Reviewer

    RTFQ you are approaching hero status. I bet your story ends up in an Eastenders episode at the end of this year!

    It should be part of the marriage contract that husbands are not required, under any circumstances, to accompany spouses on shopping trips.
  10. I could do with an armoured trolley in our local supermarket, always fancied one of those tracked mini tippers the Engineers use..just ride it round the isles :D
  11. RTFQ


    I've had a weird experience.

    OK, I told you my supermarket story after reading this thread, and I told you my partner in crime was a copper. Well I've not spoken to him in at least 4 years. He just rang me up out of the blue to invite me to his wedding. I don't know the lass he's marrying, but wait til I rell her about the time I caught him using his mum's vibrator on his then girlfriend, on his mums bed, whilst she was visiting his granddad. He'd triumphantly revealed in the pub the previous night, that he'd found his mothers 'love machine.'

    He is a sick, sick puppy. Poor girl.
  12. Are you going to be the Best Man? You'll need the help of the 'ARRSE users literary advice group' for the speech.
  13. Ahh - takes me back to being a shelf-filler whilst at college.

    We were the horrible few - the motley crew of young men who filled the shelves and straightened the labels in the supermarket. We were men because the manager was a pervert sexist of the highest order and kept the girls where he could see them all - on the tills outside his office.
    Summer was the best. Flimsy tops on the ladies, a little more flesh and less purple blotch cream. My mate was the luckiest get - he was on the last aisle - frozen. Those poor women must have needed counselling after looking up from the freezer, all accentuated by the cold, to see a motley crew of horny 16 year old boys leering at the end of the aisle!
    Working after hours was lethal. Filling the shelves on your aisle, deep in thought. You'd hear the cry of 'INCOMING' and almost shat yourself. You never knew whether the swine working the next aisle was lobbing a tin of soup/custard/whatever over the top at your head or scudding it under the shelves at your knees! Trying to dive out of the way with a tray of Chivers Olde English marmalade in your arms was lethal.

    Interesting discovery there. Spilled cooking oil. Manager had a great idea - use cat litter to soak it up. It spontaneously combusted in the bin - twice! Hmm. Go on - see if your kitty gets warm feet.
  14. RTFQ


    I think he'd rather ask OBL to his wedding and risk the B52 strike than ask me to be his best man. For some reason he still wants his family/friends/wife to talk to him afterwards. I've got dibs on the fittest bridesmaid though. She doesn't know about the arrangement nor finer points of 'dibs' yet though.