Glasgow has made an audacious bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympics. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the organisers of the Glasgow bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below: Opening Ceremony The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb, thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell-suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the Games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium. The Events In previous Olympic Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local Glaswegian athletes. 100 Metres Sprint: Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm. On the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 Metres Hurdles: As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, etc). Hammer: Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. Fencing: Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes. Shooting: A strong challenge is expected from the local team in this event. The first target will be the moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman. Boxing: Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given15 pints of Tennants whilst the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. Cycling Time Trials: Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some mummy's boy from England on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. Cycling Pursuit: As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. Modern Pentathlon: Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. The Marathon: A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags, with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. Swimming: Competitors will be thrown off the bridge on the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals. Men's 50km Walk: Unfortunately, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow. The Closing Ceremony Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Loyalist Boys Band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes can break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.