suicide

#1
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
 
#2
The ultimate in suicide counselling - bet she doesn't go through with it.

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Fcuk off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,

"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#3
Things had been bad for a couple of years, both me and my wife had been suffering heavily from depression.
It got to the point yesterday that we both decided to top ourselves.

Only when she'd released her last breath and slipped from me I could see no sign of her relief so thought, “Fuck it, soldier on.”
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#5
I rang the suicide hotline last week.
It's been outsourced to Pakistan.
They were ever so excited when they found out I could drive a truck.....
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#7
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the G/F were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
Think of that one yourself ?
 
Last edited:

Wordsmith

LE
Book Reviewer
#8
Here is a suicide from ancient Greece that didn't go to plan: that of the philosopher Empedocles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empedocles
Diogenes Laërtius records the legend that he died by throwing himself into an active volcano (Mount Etna in Sicily), so that people would believe his body had vanished and he had turned into an immortal god; the volcano, however, threw back one of his bronze sandals, revealing the deceit.
Wordsmith
 
#9
Here is a suicide from ancient Greece that didn't go to plan: that of the philosopher Empedocles.

Diogenes Laërtius records the legend that he died by throwing himself into an active volcano (Mount Etna in Sicily), so that people would believe his body had vanished and he had turned into an immortal god; the volcano, however, threw back one of his bronze sandals, revealing the deceit.


Wordsmith
Bronze? That is so 450 BC.
 
#11
My favourite suicide joke is by Emo Phillips:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"

I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"

He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"

He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.



I suppose that strictly speaking that is murder rather than suicide. Wotteva.
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
#12

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top