stupid questions and the replies you wish youd get away with

#1
Sgt Major "ARE YOUR FUCKING HANDS COLD?"
Legend pal with his hands in his pockets "i sir, why are ya selling gloves?"

sir harry tuzzo rocked up to a stand my old mans unit had set up, one fella was on a jcb kinna thing (whatever you old fogies had)
he signals the driver to stop. Down jumps the driver,

General says "theres oil leaking from your vehicle, wheres it from?"
driver climbs under, dips his finger in and tastes the oil, stands to attention and replies "texas"

any more?
 
#2
Have you got a match?

Yes pal.Your face my arrse!
 
#3
Sgt Major "ARE YOUR FUCKING HANDS COLD?"
Legend pal with his hands in his pockets "i sir, why are ya selling gloves?"

sir harry tuzzo rocked up to a stand my old mans unit had set up, one fella was on a jcb kinna thing (whatever you old fogies had)
he signals the driver to stop. Down jumps the driver,

General says "theres oil leaking from your vehicle, wheres it from?"
driver climbs under, dips his finger in and tastes the oil, stands to attention and replies "texas"

any more?
Neither of those two things actually happened did they?
 
#4
Dougie B***** 2tp 2 AES Staffy stripped to the waste and shaving outside his tent on exercise, Saltau, one late Novembers morning (and it was fucking cold). Along comes young one pip wonder in parka, gloves and schemey boots: "I say, Staff, shaving outside?" To which Dougie replied: "Of course. I'm not fucking fur lined".
 
#6
Along the lines of the tall story about the order being given to maintain radio silence during a exercise in the Fatherland.
Fast forward to 3am;the radio crackles into life."Are there any friendly bears out there?" OC screams down the handset about the order for radio silence,and he would rip the bollocks off who ever it was that broke the radio silence.
A pause of five minutes,the same voice saying "He's not a friendly teddy bear is he?"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#7
That'll be the same chap, radio silence.
"I'm bored"
OC comes on " Unknown Call Sign identify yourself" (or similar according to story teller)
"I'm not that bored"
 
#8
That actually rings a bell VANMAN!! Standing at troop parade in the early nineties (212 Sig Sqn, Papa Tp) Sgt C**** M***** giving everyone a general dressing down, "You, Smith! Your boots are shit! Sort it out!" "Yes, Sa'rnt!" "Sig Baldbleep no one in the history of the British Army has had sideburns that long!" "Duke of Wellington Sa'rnt!" .........." My Office Baldbleep you gobby cnut!"
 
#10
One occasion on exercise a visiting dignitary returned to one of my dets, forgetting he'd already been there & done the gladhanding. He strolled up to the det commander & said, "I say, Corporal, waht do you d in civilian life?"

"I'm still a crane driver, Sir," came the response.

One from a fellow staff officer at a HQ reception & beating retreat at a local stately pile, to very posh bird: "So, ma'am, have you travelled far?"

"No, just came downstairs. My husband and I own the house."
 
#11
i know it mean notihing too you but i swear on my familys life the first happened in batus in 2004! the second i just have to take my old mans word for it
Oh well,if it was your old man that told you it was true,then that's good enough for me.
I humbly apologise and withdraw my comment.
 
#14
BG Admin net Comd to Inf Coy HQ: Are you mobile yet over.

Inf Coy Op: Wait Out.

Admin Net Comd: Its quite simple, you just open the back door and see if the ground is moving. CLASSIC!
 
A

armadillo

Guest
#15
RSM pointing pace stick at Pte - "There's some shit at the end of my stick"!
Pte - "Not at my end Sir"!



SOMEBODY had to say it!
it was actually looks like a clown on the end of your rifle, sir, not my end,

This was at Pirbright Barracks and the young officer was in the Scots Guards at the time, Name of David Stirling,
 
#16
A platoon that went through the Depot a year before I did:

After the first night in the field, there was an early morning inspection that rapidly degenerated into a general beasting. "You haven't shaved, your mess tins are gopping, your rifle is minging...etc."

Kit flung all over the forestry plantation, recruits running up and down the hill with their rifles above their heads. Lots of shouting and a certain amount of minor corporal punishment..

The Platoon Sergeant sensed a slightly mutinous attitude in one of the recruits and began the time honoured ritual of offering him out.
"Do you want to fight me______? If you've got an attitude problem I can take these stripes off and we can sort it out man to man. No problem whatsoever. Blah blah..."

"Ok you cunt"

Whatever reply the Sergeant was expecting; it wasn't that one. Fair play to him, he took his smock off and they squared up - for all of three seconds. A roundhouse kick to the quadriceps is a pure fight stopper, especially when it comes out of nowhere at 7AM on a cold rainy morning.
The sergeant went down and couldn't get up again.

Fair play to him again, he called the recruit aside later and told him there'd be no comebacks. He simply advised him to keep his head down for the rest of training and not to flaunt it. The recruit came first on a JNCOs cadre 18 months later, turning into a completely self centred prick who treated everybody around him with disdain. Funny how things work out....
 
#17
Urban myth? First read on ARRSE.
Craftsman on parade. Senior asks; "Where did you get that black eye?
Cfn replies; "I was cleaning a boxing glove and it went off".
 
#18
A platoon that went through the Depot a year before I did:

After the first night in the field, there was an early morning inspection that rapidly degenerated into a general beasting. "You haven't shaved, your mess tins are gopping, your rifle is minging...etc."

Kit flung all over the forestry plantation, recruits running up and down the hill with their rifles above their heads. Lots of shouting and a certain amount of minor corporal punishment..

The Platoon Sergeant sensed a slightly mutinous attitude in one of the recruits and began the time honoured ritual of offering him out.
"Do you want to fight me______? If you've got an attitude problem I can take these stripes off and we can sort it out man to man. No problem whatsoever. Blah blah..."

"Ok you cunt"

Whatever reply the Sergeant was expecting; it wasn't that one. Fair play to him, he took his smock off and they squared up - for all of three seconds. A roundhouse kick to the quadriceps is a pure fight stopper, especially when it comes out of nowhere at 7AM on a cold rainy morning.
The sergeant went down and couldn't get up again.

Fair play to him again, he called the recruit aside later and told him there'd be no comebacks. He simply advised him to keep his head down for the rest of training and not to flaunt it. The recruit came first on a JNCOs cadre 18 months later, turning into a completely self centred prick who treated everybody around him with disdain. Funny how things work out....
Oh come on! That just couldn't have happened!
 

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