Stunning Tazer Story

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Tastytoggle, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this on an American Home Defense website:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    VERY COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and took it home.

    I loaded two triple A batteries into the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
    get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    Now I was getting somewhere!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so there I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Right?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T shirt with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in the other.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    triple A batteries and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before and clinging grimly
    to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
    attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, a word of caution:
    there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
    second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
    I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
    originally started. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but I was too numb to know for
    sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
    my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
    testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!