Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

Homo goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with AIDS.

Doctor advises him to drink six pints of Guinness and eat a vindaloo curry.

"Will that cure AIDS"?

"No, but it will remind you what your ARRSE is for".
 
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid doing it for Her
 
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
 
A couple of residents in an old folks home were chatting when the woman said “look, we’re not getting any younger and I haven’t had sex for years so why don’t we go to my room and do the deed?”

The man agrees and they sneak away. As they’re getting undressed the woman says. “I should tell you that I’ve got acute angina“ The man says “just as well because your tits are shit”
 
A man picks up an old bottle, gives it a wipe and out pops a genie telling him he has just one wish.

After careful consideration, the man asks for a bridge to the USA, as he wants to visit and doesn't like sailing or flying.

The genie is incredulous.
Do you know how far that is? How much concrete and steel it will take? How deep the ocean is to sink the supports? I'd have to build petrol stations and hotels along the way and make it passable for shipping.
Can't you give me a break and wish for something else?

After more thinking, the man asks the genie
"Ok, make my wife happy".

After a minute of studying the man closely, the genie says "This bridge, do you want two lanes or four?"
 
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly sits up, saying, “I think my husband just got home. Quick, go hide in the bathroom!”

So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
“Why are you naked?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.”
“Okay,” the man replies, “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him, and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the heck are you?” the man asks.
“I am from the exterminator company; your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. “Those little b*stards!”
 
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly sits up, saying, “I think my husband just got home. Quick, go hide in the bathroom!”

So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
“Why are you naked?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.”
“Okay,” the man replies, “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him, and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the heck are you?” the man asks.
“I am from the exterminator company; your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. “Those little b*stards!”
Chubby Brown wants his 80's joke back. Mind you, I did use that one last week!

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 
I put my finger into her hole. Straight away I could feel it getting wetter and wetter. So I took my finger out and she started to go down on me.

I really do need to fix my boat.
 
Two tourists on holiday having a chat about souvenirs, and one says he's going to take home a snake and a skunk.

He's planning to smuggle the snake as a belt round his waist, and hide the skunk down his wife's knickers.

"A skunk? What about the smell?"

"If it dies, it dies".
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Not new but still funny.

The Postman was retiring after many years on the same round, always delivering no matter how bad the weather was. All his customers had been generous in showing their appreciation of him, the average gift being £20. He approached the last house on his round, knowing that the guy was a miserable sod, but he had a beautiful blonde wife that the Postie hoped he might catch sight of one last time.

Just as he was about to push the mail into the letter box, the door opened and the gorgeous blonde appeared wearing a transparent nightie showing a figure that nearly gave him a heart attack. Without a word, she took hold of his hand, led him upstairs and gave him the most fantastic sex that he'd ever had. Afterwards, still without speaking, she took him back downstairs and into the kitchen where she prepared him a great breakfast whilst he sat exhausted, but as happy as a dog with two dicks.

After he had eaten breakfast, she gave him a cup of coffee with a pound coin on the saucer. The bemused Postie said "This has been the most amazing time of my life, such a wonderful experience like I've never had before, mind blowing, and now a fantastic breakfast, but can I ask why the pound coin?" She replied "I told my husband before he left for work that you were retiring and asked what I should give you," he said "Fuck him, give him a quid....breakfast was my idea."
 
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season ticket.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card
bill!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a fucking
cold.’
 
A woman goes to her doctor's office to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy there's no problem, but I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?"
The woman stammers, "Why yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
 
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