Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican , and I 'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says The Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your
Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop t ells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says
the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the Cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief:
'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'
 
I need to re-home a dog. It’s an aggressive little terrier that’s always barking at people. If anyone is interested, I’ll jump over the neighbours fence and get it for them.
 
"What do we want?!!!"

"Time travel!"

"When do we want it?"

"Last week!"
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
What do we what?

Care for old people!

When do we want it?

What?
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
What do we want?

A Cure for Tourettes.

When do we want it?

Cunts.
 
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!"
So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
 

partyr

Old-Salt
I'm thinking of having my spine removed. It's the only thing holding me back.
 
A mother was very proud when her son got his first job for her son was, in Arrse terminology, a mong. So proud that she invited the young man’s godmother over to celebrate.

Godmother comes over and asks him “so tell me, what do you do?” To which the mong replies in mong “diesel fitter”.

Impressed and surprised that a young man with such challenges has managed to get a good trade, she asks “so where do you work!” He replies “diesel fitter”.

So she asks the mother “where does he work?” To which the mother replies, “i got him a job lifting boxes at the local department store. I think this week he’s been working in the lingerie department. I’ve no idea what it has to do with engines; It’s one of those really posh shops where they don’t have much stock out on display. I think he just fetches stuff from the store for the sales people”

So the two women try to find out what he does. Gently, they ask him about his job. “Do you help the assistants to fetch stock from store?”they ask. To which he nods. “So do you help the a assistant to get the right size for a customer?” He nods and smiles. “And what do you say when you fetch something?”

He replies. “diesel fitter”.
 
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene,
got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields,
they made love. When Homer came back from the fields,
they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour
to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields
and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer,"said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you.
Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.
Homer came back to the doctor's office.
What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'.
We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
 

RigPig

War Hero
Does anybody have any bum jokes to swap.



I’ve got piles.

RP.
 
On his way back from the Nobel Prize ceremony, a famous professor found himself sharing a train with a rather rural-looking type. To pass the time, he decided to have a bit of fun at the farmer's expense so he offered him a wager: he would ask the farmer a question and if the farmer couldn't answer it he'd to give the professor five pounds. The farmer then got to ask the professor a question and if the professor couldn't answer it he'd to give the farmer five hundred pounds.

The professor started off with, "What's the distance in kilometres from the Earth to the Sun?" The farmer scratched his head a bit and conceded defeat, handing over five pounds.

The farmer takes his turn. "Which animal has three legs on a hill and four legs on the plain?" The professor was completely stumped but with good grace and much embarrassment handed over the five hundred pounds. He couldn't let it go at that, however, and demanded to know the answer: "Well, out with my it, man! Which animal has three legs on a hill and four legs on the plain?"

The farmer shrugged and gave him a fiver.
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
 

murff576

Clanker
My girlfriend has dumped me last night.
The first time I visited her house, she warned me about her ferocious, aggressive, vicious pitbull who barks and goes for anybody. But me and him got on great. I was always stroking him, and playing with him.
I used to feed him.
I often took him for walks.
I even looked after him while she once visited a sick aunt.
Then, last night, I asked her if I could borrow him to go badger baiting...
Is there meant to be more to this or am I completely missing the point?
 
If anyone has been to a U2 concert around Christmas, you’ll know that they often do a version of Band Aid’s Do They it’s Christmas as an encore.

Well one year, The Edge wasn’t feeling too good. He’d been out for a curry and had a few pints before the gig and had struggled to keep it down. He managed to get most of the way through the gig, but as he struck the first chord of the encore, he started to wretch. And vomited all over Bono’s shoes.

“Feck Edge” said Bono, “next fecking time do it in a bucket”

Anyway, next night The Edge warms up with a Chinese and a few whiskeys. Same thing happens; he fights the the nausea until the encore, but as he strikes the first chord he projectile vomits all over Bono.

“Feck Edge, if this happens again, you’re fecking fired” yells Bono.

Final night, The Edge avoids the pub and gets through the gig without feeling sick. But his nose is running and he’s feeling pretty crook. He’s glad to get to the encore; he strikes the first chord and they start the song without him vomiting. But by now, his nose is streaming. He coughs up a greenie and gobs it out, but to his horror it goes in Bono’s eye.

Just as Bono sings his immortal line......wait for it..........

“thank god it’s phlegm instead of spew”
 
Diarmuid O'Connor, out in his pasture in West Kerry, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé, Niamh, is still a virgin -- in every way. The doctor told him, "Diarmuid, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. Diarmaid mentioned none of this to Niamh, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Killarney. That night in the hotel, Niamh ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Diarmaid...you're the first one! No one has EVER seen these." Diarmuid immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at this Niamh ... still in the CRATE!"
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks:
“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers:
“Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers:
“No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!”
 
Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
 

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