Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
One day, in Bible land, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

Yep...".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Correctamundo".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
 
One day, in Bible land, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

Yep...".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Correctamundo".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

We really do need a giant GROAN button.
 
I got into a fight with three blokes last night.

I knocked one out.

I probably shouldn't of had a wank, but I wasn't sure if they'd break my hands.
 
Mrs Murphy goes round to see her neighbour and says, “Your son has been peeing in the sand!” Mrs O’Reilly replies, “that’s no big deal. Lots of boys pee in the sand!” “Yes, I know,” says Mrs Murphy, “but he’s written my daughter’s name!” “So what?” says Mrs O’Reilly, “there’s no need to make such a fuss about it!” “Yes, but you don’t understand,” says Mrs Murphy, “it’s her handwriting!”
 
My mate Jock says to me earlier, "I gotta bad feeeling about oor gemme in Moscow tomorrow nicht. I really thing we're gonna get Putin oor place."
 
I’m an inventor. I went to the Patent Office to register patents. First I the woman behind the desk my folding bottle. She said “what’s that called”, to which I replied “it’s a fottle”.

She smiled and asked me if I had anything else to patent. So, I showed her my folding carton, which I called my “Farton”.

She told me they were stupid inventions with stupid names. So I stormed out without showing her my folding bucket.
 
Paddy had reached the €1 million question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. "I must say your factual knowledge is great Paddy," says the quizmaster, "how do you manage to remember so many facts?" “Well,” says Paddy, “whenever I learn a new fact, I try to invent a mnemonic device.” “Well for the sake of our viewers who don’t know what a mnemonic device is, please explain what you mean,” says the quizmaster. “Well, for example,” says Paddy, “if you want to remember the colours of the rainbow, you only have to remember the name Roy G Biv. Then you have the colours in the right order – red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Last week, for example, somebody gave me their telephone number and it was 25 39 04. So I immediately invented a new mnemonic – and the crazier they are the better, because then they are easier to remember – so I thought, ‘Well I got married when I was 25, I got divorced when I was 39, and I have four children.’ This person only told me her phone number once, but I will never forget it. “That‘s very clever, ”says the quizmaster, “Are you ready for your €1 million question?” “I am,” says Paddy. “Okay,” says the quizmaster, “for €1 million, tell me who flew across the Atlantic in a plane before anybody else.” Paddy smiles and says, “It was Sammy Davis Jr.” “Oh I’m very sorry, Paddy,” says the quizmaster, “this time your mnemonic device didn’t work. The correct answer is Allcock and Brown!”. “Jesus!” exclaims Paddy, “I always get that one the wrong way around!”
 

Club Swinger

War Hero
Saw a great big advertising sign at the side of the road the other day. It just said,
"SUZY's Hand Job" but there was a queue of cars to the entrance a mile long.

It was a Car Wash.

Bad Umm Tsch
 

New Posts

Latest Threads

Top