Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

"Now Mick did you enjoy the talk by the Faith Healer"?

"No, it wer crap, even the bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out"


CFB
Take an Orange from the box.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
A tanker containing 32,000 gallons of concentrated gin has crashed on the M6, local police have described the traffic as "sloe" moving!
 
The owner of a soft toy factory, a great golfing enthusiast, was concerned about quality. The factory made teddy bears that laughed when rubbed, but too many were being returned because they weren’t working.

Each morning, he’d spend an hour in the office practicing his putting, mulling over how to handle the quality issue. Eventually, he decided he needed to appoint a new quality manager. After an extended period of interviews, he did what any self respecting CEO would do and hired the blond with the big tits.

The day after she started, he went to practice his putting only to find his bucket of golf balls was empty. He sat down to ponder where they had gone to, when the production manager rushed in to his office

“The new quality manager has nearly stopped the production line. She’s taking every bear off the line and stitching golf balls into it by hand!”

“What?” shouted the boss in rage, “all I told her to do was give each bear two test tickles”
 
A tanker containing 32,000 gallons of concentrated gin has crashed on the M6, local police have described the traffic as "sloe" moving!
Sign on back of lorry said. " In event of accident, bring tonic and olives, lots of tonic and olives".

CFB
Take an Orange from the box
 

Unremarkable

Old-Salt
Ah, faith healers. My cousin was a top notch exponent of this esoteric discipline. I last saw him at Christmas Dinner, when he was invited to say grace.

Took us two hours to corner the turkey...
 
Two Irishmen are stuck in the
desert, wandering aimlessly and
close to death. They are close to
just lying down and waiting for
the inevitable, when all of a
sudden.......
'Hey paddy, do you smell what I smell. It's
bacon - I'm sure of it.'
'Yes, mick, it smells like bacon to me.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up
the next s and dune, and there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture,
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of
cured pig meat.
'paddy, paddy we're saved. It is a bacon
tree.'
'mick, are you sure it's not a mirage? We
are in the desert, don't forget.'
'paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage
that smell like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a
bacon tree.'
and, with that, mick races towards the tree.
He gets to within five metres, paddy
following closely behind, when, all of a
sudden, a machine gun opens up and mick
is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he
is, he manages to warn paddy with his
dying breath.
'paddy... go back man, you was right it's not
a bacon tree.'
'mick, mick ... what the fuck is it?'
'paddy... its not a bacon tree...
it's...
it's...
it's...
it's a Ham Bush.'
 
Paddy and Seamus decide to go golfing at their favourite course:

On the fifteenth hole, Paddy hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.

She says. "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She disappears.
After Paddy recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Seamus. "Hey, Seamus, where are you?"
Seamus yells back. "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows."
Paddy shouts back. "Don't swing, Seamus!.
For the love of God, DON'T FECKIN SWING!"
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
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Popped into McDonalds today. Mick Jagger was in the queue in front of me. He ordered a granite burger: a slab of stone between two buns!

When I asked him why, he said “it’s only rock and roll but I like it”
 
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A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink...?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink"...
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink...?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina"...?

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"....
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink...?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink"...
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink...?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina"...?

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"....
True dit.

In 1973 I slashed my palm on a broken glass (Working Men's Club, wet floor, hand out to save myself, crush pint glass, sever flexor tendon to left index finger). Operate under general anaesthetic, hand elevated to allow swelling to go down. Sling made out of hospital pyjamas that matched those issued.

In the beds opposite were two Black Angels who'd bent their bikes. I recognised them when Tiny came in. Tiny was about seven feet tall. They'd all been in the WMC a week or two before, raising a lot of money for a good cause. They were good blokes. We chatted (across the ward, rather loudly. It was a typical, wide ward).

"What are you in for?"

"Severed tendon in my hand."

"Why is your foot elevated then?" Double takes from his mucker and me. I suppose from his side of the ward, my arm hanging in pyjamas at that angle might just conceivably look like leg. To a moron.

Oh how we all larfed. At him.

Legacy? Six months' physio to stretch the tendon so that the index finger nearly straightened fully. In the depths of winter, particularly BAOR, it would curl up and could get sore. I had declared it on entry medical with no bother. Good job I was never asked to fire left-handed in winter. To this day it doesn't quite straighten.
 

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