Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

"Now Mick did you enjoy the talk by the Faith Healer"?

"No, it wer crap, even the bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out"


CFB
Take an Orange from the box.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
A tanker containing 32,000 gallons of concentrated gin has crashed on the M6, local police have described the traffic as "sloe" moving!
 
The owner of a soft toy factory, a great golfing enthusiast, was concerned about quality. The factory made teddy bears that laughed when rubbed, but too many were being returned because they weren’t working.

Each morning, he’d spend an hour in the office practicing his putting, mulling over how to handle the quality issue. Eventually, he decided he needed to appoint a new quality manager. After an extended period of interviews, he did what any self respecting CEO would do and hired the blond with the big tits.

The day after she started, he went to practice his putting only to find his bucket of golf balls was empty. He sat down to ponder where they had gone to, when the production manager rushed in to his office

“The new quality manager has nearly stopped the production line. She’s taking every bear off the line and stitching golf balls into it by hand!”

“What?” shouted the boss in rage, “all I told her to do was give each bear two test tickles”
 
A tanker containing 32,000 gallons of concentrated gin has crashed on the M6, local police have described the traffic as "sloe" moving!
Sign on back of lorry said. " In event of accident, bring tonic and olives, lots of tonic and olives".

CFB
Take an Orange from the box
 

Unremarkable

Old-Salt
Ah, faith healers. My cousin was a top notch exponent of this esoteric discipline. I last saw him at Christmas Dinner, when he was invited to say grace.

Took us two hours to corner the turkey...
 
Two Irishmen are stuck in the
desert, wandering aimlessly and
close to death. They are close to
just lying down and waiting for
the inevitable, when all of a
sudden.......
'Hey paddy, do you smell what I smell. It's
bacon - I'm sure of it.'
'Yes, mick, it smells like bacon to me.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up
the next s and dune, and there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture,
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of
cured pig meat.
'paddy, paddy we're saved. It is a bacon
tree.'
'mick, are you sure it's not a mirage? We
are in the desert, don't forget.'
'paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage
that smell like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a
bacon tree.'
and, with that, mick races towards the tree.
He gets to within five metres, paddy
following closely behind, when, all of a
sudden, a machine gun opens up and mick
is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but, a true friend that he
is, he manages to warn paddy with his
dying breath.
'paddy... go back man, you was right it's not
a bacon tree.'
'mick, mick ... what the fuck is it?'
'paddy... its not a bacon tree...
it's...
it's...
it's...
it's a Ham Bush.'
 
Paddy and Seamus decide to go golfing at their favourite course:

On the fifteenth hole, Paddy hits his golf ball into the woods and finds it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ends up thrashing every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden POOF! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a beautiful woman appears.

She says. "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
For doing what you did, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. And, you won't have any butter for your toast. In fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She disappears.
After Paddy recovers from the shock, he yells to his friend Seamus. "Hey, Seamus, where are you?"
Seamus yells back. "I'm in the rough, over here in a patch of pussy willows."
Paddy shouts back. "Don't swing, Seamus!.
For the love of God, DON'T FECKIN SWING!"
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
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Popped into McDonalds today. Mick Jagger was in the queue in front of me. He ordered a granite burger: a slab of stone between two buns!

When I asked him why, he said “it’s only rock and roll but I like it”
 
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