A bloke was pulled over for speeding. “60 in a 30 zone; you’re in a bit of hurry; licence please”
“I’m really sorry, officer” said the bloke “but I’m on my way to club meeting and I can’t be late”
“And what kind of a club could possibly excuse such excessive speed, Sir?” asked the cop.
“I’m on my way to the arrsehole stretchers club” replied the driver “we go there to stretch our arses”
“And how do you do that?” the policeman questioned
“Well, first we stick a finger in and wiggle it around. Then we slip in another. Eventually we can get all five fingers in. After a few meetings, it stretches enough to get a fist in”. He paused, and the said “when we get really good we get a broomstick in sideways and work it until we’ve got a six foot arrsehole”
“A six foot arrsehole. What do you do with that?” asked the incredulous copper.
And then came the reply.....“Stick a blue uniform on it and call it a policeman”
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on their way to Heaven. God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps,
and on every 5th step, He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven. The Englishman went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so he could not enter Heaven. The Scot went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so he could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the Irishman’s turn. When he got to the 999th step, he started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the Irishman replied. “I just got the first one.”
(Obviously, you can change the nationalities around to suit your own particular needs)
O’Toole stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in living memory. Afterward, the priest asked O’Toole what had made him finally come to mass.
O’Toole looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Dunne has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Dunne’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”
“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, O’Toole?”
“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” O’Toole replied.
“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Dunne’s hat for yourself.”
“Not exactly, Father,” said O’Toole. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a Â£10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"