Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

Sttrory

Old-Salt
Flipping through my collection of vintage Viz magazines I found this: Top Tip. Save money on prostitutes by killing them before you pay them. P. Sutcliffe, Yorkshire.
 

arfah

LE
Mick and Dave were fishing on the shoreline

when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he hadn’t any matches, he asked
Dave for a light.

'Ya, sure, I think I have a lighter,' Dave replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where did you get that monster?'

'Well,' replied Dave, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You have a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Dave.

'Could I see him?'

Dave opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey there! I'm a good pal of your master,
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Dave, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks!'

Dave answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
 
A bloke was pulled over for speeding. “60 in a 30 zone; you’re in a bit of hurry; licence please”

“I’m really sorry, officer” said the bloke “but I’m on my way to club meeting and I can’t be late”

“And what kind of a club could possibly excuse such excessive speed, Sir?” asked the cop.

“I’m on my way to the arrsehole stretchers club” replied the driver “we go there to stretch our arses”

“And how do you do that?” the policeman questioned

“Well, first we stick a finger in and wiggle it around. Then we slip in another. Eventually we can get all five fingers in. After a few meetings, it stretches enough to get a fist in”. He paused, and the said “when we get really good we get a broomstick in sideways and work it until we’ve got a six foot arrsehole”

“A six foot arrsehole. What do you do with that?” asked the incredulous copper.

And then came the reply.....“Stick a blue uniform on it and call it a policeman”
 

Stumpy4154

LE
Book Reviewer
If you get an email declaring that you have won a case of luncheon meat, it's Spam.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on their way to Heaven. God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps,
and on every 5th step, He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven. The Englishman went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so he could not enter Heaven. The Scot went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so he could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the Irishman’s turn. When he got to the 999th step, he started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the Irishman replied. “I just got the first one.”

(Obviously, you can change the nationalities around to suit your own particular needs)
 
O’Toole stunned the priest one Sunday by showing up at mass for the first time in living memory. Afterward, the priest asked O’Toole what had made him finally come to mass.

O’Toole looked the priest in the eye and said, “Father, I cannot lie to you. I lost me good hat, and I know old Dunne has a hat just like it. I thought I’d leave mass early, and just take along old Dunne’s hat from the hat rack, sort of 'by mistake,' if you know what I mean.”
“But I see you’re still hatless,” said the priest. “What changed your mind, O’Toole?”
“Your sermon on the ten commandments, Father,” O’Toole replied.
“Ah,” said the priest. “So when you heard the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal,' you decided not to take Dunne’s hat for yourself.”
“Not exactly, Father,” said O’Toole. “When you mentioned the one about not committing adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 
A little girl walks into a pet shop and says to the guy behind the counter “Have you got any wabbits?”

The guy smiles and says ”Yes, would you like a white wabbit or a brown wabbit?”

She replies “I don’t think my python givth a thit”
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
For just £1 a month you can throw 100 pennies at folk you don't like
 
Not mine, but....

Years back the cricket team I played for my local cricket team. We played a match with a gay team who turned up with only ten players.

I drew the short straw and helped them out. I batted for the other team.
 

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