Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

SOCRATES.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who stopped him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"Erm no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about
him even though you're not certain it's true?

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"

"Well it, erm....no, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
 
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 
What did the bald guy say when given a comb for his birthday ?.

Thanks, I'll never part with it.
 
This one really is crap (and old).

An Englishman and a Frenchman were sitting In a Calais bar boasting about the merits of their respective countries. As the get more and more drunk, they can’t agree. So they decide to settle the argument once and for all; which is the greater country, France or England? They decide on a cat race. Across the Channel.

So off they stagger on a cat hunt. Eventually they each grab a stray cats and head down to the harbour. “What shall we call the cats”, the Frenchman asked? “We need names we both understand”.

“Well, the only French I know is how to count, why don’t I call my cat One, Two Three. You can call yours “Un Deux Trois”. And with that they threw the poor moggies into the ocean and caught the fast ferry to Dover.

Staggering off the ferry, they are both surprised to see a disheveled cat come out of the water and shake itself. But which one was it, and why?

It goes without saying the it was the Englishman’s cat that survived. And why? Because Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.
 
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense
 
A man walks into a chemist store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for students,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….
 
Piglet was on the train and bored, so he phoned his best friend Pooh for a little chat. "Hi Piglet, where are you?" Pooh asked. Piglet replied "I'm stuck in Paddington." Pooh grinned and said "I bet that's made him drop his f*cking marmalade sandwich."
 
The Duke of Wellington was on a hill looking over the battlefield at Waterloo....

He looked through his telescope and could see Napoleon on the hill opposite, issuing orders and all of a sudden cannon roared into life and ball came sailing over the Duke's head.

The Duke immediately ordered his Galloper to his side, scribbled down a note and handed it to his aide, telling him "Deliver this on pain of death to His Majesty the King, in London, immediately". The Galloper replied dutifully, "Yes, my Lord" and jumped on his horse and rode off into the French countryside.

The young soldier rode all day only stopping occasionally to change horses, arriving some hours later at Calais. He took a boat to Dover, changed horses again and galloped off towards London.

It was 02:00 when the soldier reached Buckingham Palace. He banged on the gates shouting, "OPEN IN THE NAME OF THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON - I MUST SEE THE KING IMMEDIATELY ON PAIN OF DEATH". The Kings Courtiers hurriedly opened the gates and led the tired soldier to the King's bed chamber whereupon he banged on the door.

The King came to the door in his night clothes and holding a candle up to the soldier's dirty face, he demanded to know why he had been awakened at such an ungodly hour. "Sire", stammered the soldier, "a message from the Duke of Wellington. I have come direct from the field of battle, my Liege".

The king tore open the wax-sealed document. The message read: 'CONTACT....WAIT....OUT'.
 

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