Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser."
That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.
I know that place.
Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.
"Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel.
The finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked.
So they apologized and gave us their Presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican.
A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the Fuck did your hair?"
 
A bloke had been through a really rough patch. Lost his job, house repossessed, wife left hi, nothing in his wallet and sleeping rough.

Walking along the street where he used to work, he saw a new ladder up the side of a tower block that hadn’t been there before. Beside the ladder was a sign saying “Climb this ladder to success”

Intrigued and with nothing to loose. So he began climbing. Up the side of a 40 storey building. As he climbed he got more and more tired, but he couldn’t go back. The choice was fall and die or climb on. So on he went on climbing towards success.

Eventually and absolutely knackered he got to the top, dragged himself over the parapet and collapsed exhausted. He slowly became aware that he wasn’t alone.

Sitting on a throne, stark naked with a huge black guy with a massive erection. In a booming voice, the guy said....

“Hi, I’m Cess”.
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
 

Stumpy4154

LE
Book Reviewer
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
That genuinely made me laugh out loud.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
TV question master. " next question, the first prime minister of
India was Prime Minister Gandhi what were his first names?"









Contestant. " prime minister Gandhi, would that be Goosie Goosie "?


CFB.
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
Guess what? A week later, Cliff Richard played that very same venue in China, and again, the place was packed out. In between songs, the same little Chinese fella kept shouting, "Tits and fanny!"

"No, I'm sorry, I don't know that one," Cliff replies from the stage.

After more songs, Cliff is getting really narked with the guy's "Tits and fanny" shouts, and says, "OK, just get up here on the mic, and show us how it goes."

The annoying little Chinaman steps up, takes a hold of the mic, and starts to sing, "Tits and fanny, how we don't talk anymore..."
 
Three blokes had a big night out. They met up the next day, the worse for wear.

The first one says “bad night last night; when I got how I blew chunks”

Second one replies “that’s nothing. I got home so wrecked I went to bed and puked on the wife. Now she’s thrown me out”

Third one goes “you think that’s bad. I went to bed, lit a cigarette and fell asleep. House burned down around me. I’m the only one who got out”

To which the first bloke replies...

“You guys don’t understand. Chunks is my dog”
 
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Three blokes had a big night out. They met up the next day, the worse for wear.

The first one says “bad night last night; when I got how I blew chunks”

Second one replies “that’s nothing. I got home so wrecked I went to end and puked on the wife. Now she’s thrown me out”

Third one goes “you think that’s bad. I went to bed, lit a cigarette and fell asleep. House burned down around me. I’m the only one who got out”

To which the first bloke replies...

“You guys don’t understand. Chunks is my dog”
Bastard...I dropped my phone!
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really pigged off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage,
"OK smart @rse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."


Reminds me of the Chinese drug addict who shouts " Has anyone seen my cocaine?"
Someone shouts back " Wasn't he in 'The Italian Job' ?"
 
When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing is it?
 
During class, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asks
the students: "Students, If you
were on a date, having
supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to
go pee."
Teacher: "That would be rude and
impolite!!!
Teacher: "What about you Peter?
How would you say it?"
Peter: "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner
table. And you Little
Johnny, are you able to use your
intelligence for once and
show us your good manners?"
Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling,
may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend
of mine, who I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."
 
An Australian ventriloquist visiting NZ,
walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: 'G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him.'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Villager: 'The sheep's a fucking liar'
 
I’ll not doubt get another old, but as we’ve segued to sheep.

A criminal psychology student was researching a thesis on people who sexually abuse animals. Specifically sheep shaggers. First up she heads down under, to an outback sheep station. Getting the farmers trust, eventually she asks him how he shags sheep. “That’s easy Sheila” replies the farmer “you just grab the bastard by the neck and slip your cock in”.

Intrigued, she heads to New Zealand and asks a sheep farmer a similar question and he answers “We’re with the ball sanders on that one. Just grab it by the tail and fuck away”.

Needing more evidence for her research, she heads to Wales and asks the same question again.

“Well it’s quite hard” says the boys. “First you finds your sheep, then you finds a dry stone wall, grabs her front feet and bends her backwards over the wall and shag her. But you needs to be wearing your wellies”

The student asks “why?”...

“So you can stick her back legs down the wellie tops else she’ll kick you in the nuts when you kiss her”.
 
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