Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection.

Aer Lingus in on finals to East Midlands Airport.

Pilot: "Ah, feck. I really don't know about this one, Paddy. That runway looks awful feckin' short."

Co-pilot: "Sure it does, to be sure, Captain - but look how feckin' wide it is!"


I gather that my Uber is inbound.
 
Nah, I could land on it.






Whether I could take off again is another question.
What're you coming in? - a Hughes 300...?



Skandi Olympia01.jpg


Anyway, enough of these crap work jokes. Back to the crap jokes...


A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey, why the long face?"
 
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Philip, "See! I told you... With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Philip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Royal Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
 
"waiter do you have frogs legs?" ..."Yes Sir"...." Then hop over the counter and get me a bowl of soup"

Waiter, An elephants foot sandwich, and step on it.
Waiter, a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy.
Waiter, A mermaids tail sandwich, but don't get in a flap about it.
Waiter, a bowl of snails, sometime this week.
waiter, I'd like a roast left leg of lamb, if that's all right with you.

I know...I'll get me hat........TAXI!
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
How many divorced arrsers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows......they never get the house!
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
How many 'remain' voters does it take to change a light bulb?
None......they never see the light anyway!
 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots that used to live in a house of ill repute, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
 
The air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
 
The air Traffic Controller on duty in the air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone.
He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone: "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how you do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
Knots. Kts. 180 Knots, not mph. Hmph. V funny though.

The Dalai Lama, Elon Musk and a backpacker are aboard an aircraft when it gets into trouble. It is established that there are only two parachutes for the three of them. Musk grabs one, saying: "I'm the world's cleverest man; I'm a hugely successful successful businessman, and my intelligence has lead to so many great innovations. I deserve to live!"

The Dalai Lama turns to the backpacker and says: "Take the parachute, my son. My life has been long and full, and my soul is prepared for eternity. I'm ready to die." The backpacker goes: "No worries, dude. There's enough 'chutes to go round. The world's cleverest man has just bailed out with my rucksack."
 
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Hey, why the long face?"
A man walks into a bar and there’s a horse behind the counter, the man just looks at the horse, and the horse says,
“What’s the matter, are you surprised to see me here?”
The man says,
“Yeah, did the cow sell the place?”


(Courtesy of Fozzy Bear, sometime in the 80s)
 
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 
After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
" Later, after examining the man's elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."
 

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