I lost my Job at the Elvis Presley snow globe factory. I'm all shook up
Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
Is it just me or are magnets really attractive?
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. – It’s nice to have a bit of company.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?” I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I asked the boss what he wanted me to do with the ten metre roll of bubble wrap he chucked at me. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. Six bloody hours it took me.
Weeks ago my mate got arrested by airport police for getting abusive about the luggage delays. He's still waiting for his case to come up.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!
Woke up tonight to find the ghost of Gloria Gayner at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, then I was petrified!
Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work. Some nutter on the back of it shouting "We're all doomed. The end is nigh. The worlds gonna end today." Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.
People are often shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness. It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.
I'm selling my pet python on eBay, some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?", I said "it's massive", he said "how many feet?" I said "none, its a snake".
Met office advice, if you’re travelling today carry a shovel, blanket, spare warm clothing, a thermos flask with a hot drink, and a torch to attract attention. I looked a right idiot on the bus.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.
Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. It's not fir!
I used to disapprove of hitch-hiking but now I've decided to give it the thumbs up.
Burglars broke into my bathroom last night. Luckily they only took my broken scales. They won't get a weigh with it.
I went to a fancy dress party as an alarm clock but I had to leave early. People kept winding me up.
Everyone in my neighbourhood wears woolen jumpers that are a size too small. We're a very tight-knit community.
I asked an angler for some fishing advice but he just told me to sling my hook.
There’s a siege at the zoo. They’ve taken 3 ostriches.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Man just phoned his missus and said he was just leaving work, did she want him to pick up fish and chips on his way home? He was met with a stony silence. He thinks that she still regrets letting him name the twins.
Started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are through the roof!
Just passed an AA man in his van at the side of the road crying his eyes out. I thought he must be heading for a breakdown!
My budgie escaped from it's cage and mated with my dog. I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can l get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel.