Straightforward crap jokes! - The "I'll get my coat" Collection - The Tumbleweed Files

#85
Really fed up with all these New Year sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.

I've been teaching a market trader to drive but he keeps stalling.

Police say they have had dozens of reports that car owners have had bright blue paint sprayed over the bonnet of their cars overnight. They say it's the worst case of Blue Bonnet Plague they have ever seen.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I'm Dishlexic.
 
#86
Why didn't Blitzer and Rudolf sell at auction?





They were two deer...taxi!
 
#88
I was doing a crossword in the pub, and said to my Scottish mate Alex, “I'm stuck on one across: trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.” He said, “Marooned.” I said, “Thank you. I’ll have a large single malt please!”

Tesco have started doing a dating agency service. My mate went on a date and now he's got a bag for life.

Instead of doorbells on Egyptian houses, they have horns with a sign saying: "Toot and come in".

What do you say to your sister when she’s sobbing her eyes out? “Are you having a crisis?"
 
#89
What's the difference between 'Light & Hard'?
- You can sleep with a light-on!

What's the difference between an 'Egg and a Wänk'?
- You can beat an egg ...........!
 
#90
If Ryanair retain the most unpopular Airline trophy again next year, they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
 

Guns

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#94
Why's 6 afraid of 7.

Cos 7,8,9
 
#95
I used to be in a Billy Ocean tribute act but quit when the going got tough.

Just won a medal at the World Weather Forecasting Championships. I beat the raining champion.

The Doctor I'm seeing for my bad back is from Egypt. He's a Cairo practor.

I've been snacking on little bits of metal for the last few weeks, not one of my five a day, but it's a staple diet.
 
#98
Two atoms chatting. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" says the other.
"I'm posiitive."

Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
 
Man runs into the Doctor's office.

"Doctor! Doctor!" he yells, "I've got five penises!"

"Five penises?" the Doctor says, "How do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"
 

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