Really fed up with all these New Year sales. Went to Selfridges and they don't sell fridges. Went to Currys and they don't sell curries. Went to Boots and they don't sell boots. I wasn't very impressed with the Virgin Megastore either.
I've been teaching a market trader to drive but he keeps stalling.
Police say they have had dozens of reports that car owners have had bright blue paint sprayed over the bonnet of their cars overnight. They say it's the worst case of Blue Bonnet Plague they have ever seen.
Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I'm Dishlexic.
I was doing a crossword in the pub, and said to my Scottish mate Alex, “I'm stuck on one across: trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M.” He said, “Marooned.” I said, “Thank you. I’ll have a large single malt please!”
Tesco have started doing a dating agency service. My mate went on a date and now he's got a bag for life.
Instead of doorbells on Egyptian houses, they have horns with a sign saying: "Toot and come in".
What do you say to your sister when she’s sobbing her eyes out? “Are you having a crisis?"