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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

NSP

LE
Christmas is politically dangerous. One slip could see the downfall of Turkey, the breaking up of China and the overthrow of Greece.
 
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dlrg

LE
If a blind woman tells you you have the largest penis she's ever felt, she might be pulling your leg.
 
This has gone so far over my head it has icicles on it.....
Wah Up.

The guy in question, can either watch the Lions v The Boks in SA, or get married? He has decided to sack the wedding and watch the rugby, hence his need for a stand in groom.

Wah Down.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
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Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
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When marijuana is legalised in Scotland
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1603130722551.jpg
 
Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.
He asks the barman, "What the feck is that?"
The barman says, "It's a Moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Feck me! How big are the cats?"
 

Dredd

LE
A young nun went to inform the Mother Superior that she was pregnant.
Mother Superior was furious. She said how did this happen?
The young nun said Reverend Mother It was Father O'Malley from the catholic church up the road, and he lifted his cassock and showed me this thing which looked like a baby's arm holding a plum, and said it was Saint Peter, then he lifted my habit and pointed at my lady thing that looks like a cockerell's chin, and told me that it was the Gates of Heaven, and that Saint Peter needed to come into the gates of heaven to make me a good Christian. And I believed him..
Reverend Mother was furious.
She said the lousy rotten bastard!.. He told me it was the Archangel Gabriel's horn and I have been blowing it every Sunday for 20 years!

Why is it that when a queen has a baby they fire a 21-gun salute, but when a nun has a baby they fire a dirty old canon?
 
When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered.
 

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
What do you call a bloke who hangs around at the back of a group of musicians?



The drummer


what do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.



How do you get a drummer away from your door?

Pay him for the Pizza




What do call a drummer in a suit?

The accused




Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the car dash?

so they can use handicapped spaces
 
what do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.



How do you get a drummer away from your door?

Pay him for the Pizza




What do call a drummer in a suit?

The accused




Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the car dash?

so they can use handicapped spaces
How do the roadies know the drum platform is level? The drummer's drooling out both sides of his mouth.
 
I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her Boobs out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
 
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