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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John are walking down the road together when Kylie trips up and ends up with her head stuck in some railings. Quick as a flash, Robbie pulls her knickers off and is balls deep shagging her senseless.

After a while, he finishes and looks at Elton. “Your turn now”

Elton bursts into tears, sobbing “My head won’t fit through the railings”
 

dlrg

LE
1600756319123.png
 

Dread

LE
It's the Early 1850s and and an old Prospector has been up in the Gold Fields of California for 5 long years without much success. He decides to take a Break and goes into Town for a Drink.
He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender, "GIMMI A WHISKEY".. He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Woman round here"?..."No", replies the Bartender, "But we got Old JOE out the Back".."I don't go in for that shit", says the old timer and leaves.
After another 5 years the old Prospector leaves his 'Claim' again and goes into Town. He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender, "Gimmi a Whiskey".. He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Women round Here"? "No", replies the Bartender, "But we got old JOE out the Back"., "I don't go in for that Shit".says the old Prospector and leaves.
Another 5 years passes and the old Timer leaves his 'Claim' Once again and Goes into Town . He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender , "Gimmi a Whiskey". He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Women round here"?,. "No", replies the Bartender, "But we got old JOE out the Back".. "I don't go in for that shit", says the Old Man and goes to walk out.
He gets to the Door and thinks to himself its 'Been a Long time'., So he turns around and asks the Bartender, "IF I was to go out the Back to see old JOE who will know"?., "Well", Said the Bartender, "Me, You, old JOE of Course, and the 4 Guys holding Him Down".. "WHY are there 4 Guys holding old JOE Down"? Asked the old timer., And the Bartender replies , "Cos HE doesn't go in for that Shit Either"

The random capitalisation of words and the punctuation sprayed randomly throughout that joke is enough to make even the most mild-mannered Grammar Nazi go out and kill 6,000,000 illiterates. Did you cut-and-paste from an American website or is it your own writing?
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
In the '90s I was a naive and stupid young man. My girlfriend once tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic… But I refused.

If I was going to have sex, it was going to be on my own Accord.
 
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The random capitalisation of words and the punctuation sprayed randomly throughout that joke is enough to make even the most mild-mannered Grammar Nazi go out and kill 6,000,000 illiterates. Did you cut-and-paste from an American website or is it your own writing?

It iS noT mY oWn wriTIng
 

NSP

LE
Just how fast was this bloody ostrich running when it hit the tree, FFS...??

IMG-20200923-WA0000.jpg
 
Paddy and his wife Mary were having an argument in bed, when Paddy finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, Mary, feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy Paddy a gift.
Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
Mary talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty Euros," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed Mary, "That's what started the argument in the first place.
 

pc flaps

Old-Salt
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners, and asks for it back by tomorrow morning.

The lady says, "Come Again?"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
Was in B & Q today and saw some fly spray.

I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?"

"No", he said. "It kills them!"
 
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Mary Hinge

War Hero
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him...

...bystanders said people did try to warn him...
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
I accidentally walked into the local Bulimia Support Group meeting earlier.

I was surprised at how many people were there.

The place was absolutely heaving.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1601015741845.jpg
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
Two little known facts about Yul Brynner. Number one, he was a big supporter of Liverpool football club. Number two, he didn't like aftershave or similar products.

That's right, Yul never wore cologne.
 

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