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Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

There there was the famous Russian courtesan, Nickersonanov.





Pedants: It's a joke. I know a female Russian name ends in a vowel. Do one, you tedious cunts!

I gave you a funny, but it was for your little tag line ending "Do one, you tedious cunts!

Your "joke" remains unfunny!
 
Martin starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, Marie, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
Martin says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
Martin says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
Martin accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, Martin buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,
"Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
Martin says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
Martin starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F***!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
 
I was making love to my wife last night and she looked back and said, "I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!" As soon as I did, she screamed... I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first....
 
A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar, the Priest asks the Rabbit what he would like to drink and the Rabbit replies "I dunno, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
 



A wife goes to her GP and says, 'Doctor, you have got to do something about my husband----he thinks he is a refrigerator.'
Doctor: 'I wouldn't worry about it, lots of people have harmless delusions and it will pass.'
Wife: 'But you don't understand. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake !!!!'

 
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It's the Early 1850s and and an old Prospector has been up in the Gold Fields of California for 5 long years without much success. He decides to take a Break and goes into Town for a Drink.
He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender, "GIMMI A WHISKEY".. He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Woman round here"?..."No", replies the Bartender, "But we got Old JOE out the Back".."I don't go in for that shit", says the old timer and leaves.
After another 5 years the old Prospector leaves his 'Claim' again and goes into Town. He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender, "Gimmi a Whiskey".. He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Women round Here"? "No", replies the Bartender, "But we got old JOE out the Back"., "I don't go in for that Shit".says the old Prospector and leaves.
Another 5 years passes and the old Timer leaves his 'Claim' Once again and Goes into Town . He Walks into the Saloon and says to the Bartender , "Gimmi a Whiskey". He then asks the Bartender, "Got any Women round here"?,. "No", replies the Bartender, "But we got old JOE out the Back".. "I don't go in for that shit", says the Old Man and goes to walk out.
He gets to the Door and thinks to himself its 'Been a Long time'., So he turns around and asks the Bartender, "IF I was to go out the Back to see old JOE who will know"?., "Well", Said the Bartender, "Me, You, old JOE of Course, and the 4 Guys holding Him Down".. "WHY are there 4 Guys holding old JOE Down"? Asked the old timer., And the Bartender replies , "Cos HE doesn't go in for that Shit Either"
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A man goes to see his doctor, who is a plastic surgeon and says: "Doctor, I've got thish sherioush shpeech problem and it'sh driving me crazy!"

So the doctor examines this poor guy and says, "I know exactly what your problem is...your penis is too long, sir. See, it somehow connects with your tongue and presses down your throat causing your speech problem."

The guy then says, "I don't care! Cut if off then!"
And so the doctor does, of course.

Two weeks later, that same guy comes back to his doctor and says, "Doctor, my speech is fine now, but my sex life sucks...it's pathetic! You have to sew it back on!"

And the doctor answers, "Are you sherioush? It'sh absholutely out of the queshtion!"
 
Little Jonny’s class had been learning about the legend of Robin Hood. The teacher asked the class “what was the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend“

Jonny’s hand popped up “Trudy Glenn, Miss”

”Don‘t be silly Jonny, it was Maid Marian. Why did you think her name was Trudy”

”It’s in the song Miss” replied Jonny “Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1600542728822.jpg
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
A woman was cleaning her twelve year old son's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
 

pc flaps

Old-Salt
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.”
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.

The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with.
And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.”
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
 

NSP

LE
My new boss is known as labia around the office.

He’s a bit of a cnut
Back in my student days we had a workshop supervisor who was known behind his back as "Haemorrhoid."
 
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