Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Ex_crab

Old-Salt
Man goes to doctor and complains about the shape of his penis "It's shaped like a saxophone".
"Drop your trousers and I will take a look" says the Doc and sure enough the mans penis is curved like a saxophone.
"It's a bit of a family thing" says the man,"we have all got odd shaped genitals"
"It's a small world as I saw a woman last week with a vagina shaped like a mouth organ" said the Doc.
"Oh" said the man, "That'll be our Monica"
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
After a long night of making love he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!" she answers.
"Well, who is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
 
A bloke walks into a cafe and takes a look at the menu above the counter.

  • Ham Roll 50p
  • Cheese Roll 50p
  • Beef Roll 50p
  • Wanks £1
He then sees there is a beautiful, young woman serving behind the counter.

“Excuse me love" he says.

“Can I help you?” she answers.

“Is it you that gives the wanks?” asks the bloke, pointing at the menu.

“Yes, it is” says the young woman.

“Well, here's £1, but wash your hands please, I want two cheese rolls
 
Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Murphy.
Poor Murphy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Murphy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up....
.......then all the other bells started to ring
Suprise Maximus.!
CFB
 
A young Soldier is having a quiet Pie and a Pint in a pub when the local 6'-4" ,18 stone Bully walks up to Him and knocks his drink over..
The Squaddie Gets a Hold of The Oaf, lifts him above his head and smashes him Down on the floor. He gets the half eaten Pie And Rubs it into the ear of the unconscious Bully.
The Barman is Totally astounded and says to the Young Soldier, "That was absolutely unbelievable, Are you in the S.A.S"?.
"Nah", replies the Squaddie, 'The "PIE IN EAR CORPS".
 
A young Soldier is having a quiet Pie and a Pint in a pub when the local 6'-4" ,18 stone Bully walks up to Him and knocks his drink over..
The Squaddie Gets a Hold of The Oaf, lifts him above his head and smashes him Down on the floor. He gets the half eaten Pie And Rubs it into the ear of the unconscious Bully.
The Barman is Totally astounded and says to the Young Soldier, "That was absolutely unbelievable, Are you in the S.A.S"?.
"Nah", replies the Squaddie, 'The "PIE IN EAR CORPS".
True story.

My former company was switching over to a new customer database called Pioneer. My manager's manager wondered out loud if we could have some sort of logo. Quick as a flash I drew an ear with a pie sat on top of it. Hence Pie on ear.

Not helpful, apparently. Humourless twats.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
What's purple and swings through the trees in the jungle?
Tarzan of the grapes.

What's brown and ravaged Europe during the 5th century?
Atilla the bun.

What's wrapped in greaseproof paper and lives in the belfry?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
For £100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the duvet back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a knife to the man's throat, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous.
Who do you think paid for the Mercedes I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."
 
My cousin applied for a job with Renault.

He had to send two C V's.
 
Donna from the Dingle in Liverpool crashes her car. She says to paramedic - 'I think I've got concussion' Paramedic asks 'How many fingers have I got up?' To which Donna replies 'F*ckin hell, me fanny's paralysed too'....

 
Waterstones have a promo on just now, a third off selected books.

I've just bought The Lion, The Witch
 

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