Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Murphy.
Poor Murphy. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Murphy quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up....
.......then all the other bells started to ring
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse....
....I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
 
A petroleum station owner In Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: ‘Free sex with Fill-up.’

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ‘You were close, the number was 7 sorry, no sex this time.
A week later, Paddy along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill up, again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, ‘Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no sex.
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ‘I think the game is rigged and he really doesn’t give away free sex.’
Paddy replied, ‘No it ain’t Mick. It’s not rigged at all, my wife won twice last week.’
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1594644747121.jpg
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
I recently auditioned for a part in a new ABBA movie, but got beaten to it by this big bearded twat. He’ll regret it though.

I’ll make him sorry he was Bjorn.
 
Mr and Mrs Wong are in the Maternity Ward while Mrs Wong is having her baby. The baby is delivered and handed over to Mr Wong. He quickly observes that the baby is white.

He says to the Midwife, "Two Wongs Don't make a White"

I think they named the baby Sum Tin Wen Wong

Badumtisch.....
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
 
Geordie goes with a prostitute while on the piss in Blackpool. Drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says: "By eck! That's a gud un!"
Geordie says:"Whats a 'gud un'?"
She replies:"It means a big one."
She drops her knickers and Geordie says:"why eye! That's a canny un!"
She says:"What's a 'canny un'?"
Geordie replies:"A fucking big valley that cowboys ride through!"
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Geordie goes with a prostitute while on the piss in Blackpool. Drops his pants, gets his cock out and the lass says: "By eck! That's a gud un!"
Geordie says:"Whats a 'gud un'?"
She replies:"It means a big one."
She drops her knickers and Geordie says:"why eye! That's a canny un!"
She says:"What's a 'canny un'?"
Geordie replies:"A ******* big valley that cowboys ride through!"
She was obviously trying to boost his ego. Any fuel no Geordies have small còcks.
 
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard Paddy, her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Paddy lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

Paddy turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

Paddy climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four."
"Aye, you’re right."
 
As a priest checked in to his hotel he asked “May I have the TV porn channel disabled?”

The receptionist replies “No, you’ll have it straight like everyone else you creepy fecker”
 
Most car dealerships have re-opened after the Covid19 Lockdown, with the notable exception of BMW. A spokesman for the company was asked when they might do the same but he gave no indication....
 

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