Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

You’ve seen all the TV Commercials.

But what really happens when you ask for help with an Erection lasting more than 4 hours..???

I walked into a Pharmacy and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the Only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the store, there were NO Male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.??
She assured me that she was completely Professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of Professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,
“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..???
The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :-
** Free room and board,
** 1/3 ownership in the Store,
** a Company Car,
** a King Size Bed, and
** £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Is this thread the recruitment site for Christmas Cracker joke writers?
 
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!
 
A gamekeeper was patrolling the grounds of large house where he was employed. He came across a man with his arm down a rabbit hole. As he approached and poked the muzzle of his gun on the mans back. As the man turned round, the gamekeeper recognised him as being the vicar:
GAMEKEEPER: "Vicar, I am surprised at YOU stealing rabbits."
VICAR: "I'm only catching one for my tea."
GAMEKEEPER: "But you must have over 30 rabbits there. How did you manage that?"
VICAR: "If I tell you my secret will you let me go?"
GAMEKEEPER: "I might do. Now tell me how you do it."
VICAR: "Well before I come out I put my hand up a woman's skirt. The smell on my fingers is irresistible to the rabbits."
GAMEKEEPER: "Oh, well get out of here and don't let me catch you again."
The gamekeeper took the rabbits and sold them for £2 each. He thought later that he'd like to get some more to sell, so the remembered what the Vicar told him.
He races home and runs in the kitchen to see his wife just bending down to put something in the oven. Without hesitation he shoves his hand up her skirt and had a grope.
Without even turning around to look, his wife says. "Oh hello Vicar. Going poaching again?
 
Actually a Nottingham joke. True story: the late, great Seve Ballesteros played a game of golf against a local who did a neat chip onto the green. "Nice tee shot", says Seve. "Thanks", says the local. "But it ent a t-shot, it's a pullover".
I was driving along the road the other night and a police car pulled alongside. The bobby in the passenger seat motioned for me to wind down my window, which I did.

"Pullover". He shouted.

"No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing."
 

dlrg

LE
My 4 year old cousin has been learning Spanish during the lock-down. She can't say 'sorry' 'please' yet
Which I think is 'pour for four'.....!
 
Last edited:

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
My 4 year old cousin has been learning Spanish during the lock-down. She can't say 'sorry' yet
Which I think is 'pour for four'.....!
Please
 
My 4 year old cousin has been learning Spanish during the lock-down. She can't say 'sorry' yet
Which I think is 'pour for four'.....!
Someone's just been listening to Classic FM
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
 

Mary Hinge

War Hero
Womens lonely hearts ads, and what they really mean;

Adventurous = Slag
Athletic = No tits
30 something = 50 odd
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex is a fucking nutter
New age = Smelly with a hairy chuff
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubbing and clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = Fat cunt
Cuddly = Fat cunt
Likes eating out = Greedy fat cunt
Likes nights in = Lazy fat cunt
GSOH - Gonorrhoea syphilis or herpes
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive
Professional - Bitch
Romantic - Frigid
Voluptuous - Fat
Large frame - Obese
Wants Soulmate - Stalker
Widow - Murdereress
 
Womens lonely hearts ads, and what they really mean;

Adventurous = Slag
Athletic = No tits
30 something = 50 odd
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex is a ******* nutter
New age = Smelly with a hairy chuff
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubbing and clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = Fat ****
Cuddly = Fat ****
Likes eating out = Greedy fat ****
Likes nights in = Lazy fat ****
GSOH - Gonorrhoea syphilis or herpes
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive
Professional - Bitch
Romantic - Frigid
Voluptuous - Fat
Large frame - Obese
Wants Soulmate - Stalker
Widow - Murdereress
You forgot

Bubbly - Lives on Aeros
 
Womens lonely hearts ads, and what they really mean;

Adventurous = Slag
Athletic = No tits
30 something = 50 odd
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful eyes = Face like a robbers dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Ex is a ******* nutter
New age = Smelly with a hairy chuff
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubbing and clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = Fat ****
Cuddly = Fat ****
Likes eating out = Greedy fat ****
Likes nights in = Lazy fat ****
GSOH - Gonorrhoea syphilis or herpes
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Sloppy drunk
Poet - Depressive
Professional - Bitch
Romantic - Frigid
Voluptuous - Fat
Large frame - Obese
Wants Soulmate - Stalker
Widow - Murdereress
Done worse.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Impeccable Logic for beer drinkers

THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY. BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS IN TRYING TO RESPOND TO ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.

Wife: DO YOU DRINK BEER? Husband: YES

Wife : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
Husband: USUALLY ABOUT THREE.

Wife: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

Husband: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP

(THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)

Wife: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

Husband: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.

Wife: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

Husband: CORRECT!

Wife: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?

Husband: CORRECT!

Wife: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?

Husband: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

Wife: NO.

Husband: WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING AIRPLANE?
 

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