Army Rumour Service

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

1592491349733.png
 
There has been an explosion at a well known local car factory. The police said that it's been raining Datsun cogs.
 
If you think that was crap, get this...I can't spell the word Armageddon - but it's not the end of the world...
 
After the prostitute finished her session, she said ...
"It was a business doing pleasure with you."
 
My dad was a road worker and I didn't believe he was stealing from work, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A woman on the ward is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his trousers and says, "I think she choked."
 

Gout Man

LE
Book Reviewer
I went to the doctors, he asked so how do you feel?
I said, with my hands.
 

dlrg

LE
I got a phone call today, not sure if it was a scam. I could either win £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.


Why can't you trust large Trees?
Because they are the shadiest ones.
 
Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home a little later with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me, I'll show you."

He leads them to a cave and says, "Did your sonar pick up that huge rock over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes! yes! it did"

Other bat says, "Well mine fuckingwell didn't."
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
Talking of vampires brings to mind:

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Right," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*ck off our car!"
 

dlrg

LE
A piece of Sting walks in to the pub orders a pint.

The Barkeeper says......."Sorry, we don't serve String here".

So the String goes back out ......ties himself in a Loop & messes up his Hair.

He then goes back to the Bar and orders a Beer.

The Barkeeper squints at him & says......."Ey, aren't you a String?".

The String looks him in the eye & says.........."Nope, I'm a frayed knot".
 
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!"
"Oh, Thank you!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
 

Latest Threads

Top