Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Shite one coming up...

A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a short but bad hail storm. The hailstones were sizable and her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun.

He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, he must be a stupid man."

" You need to close the windows first!"
 
Being a useless rwat, I put this by mistake in the videos etc thread.

The Wiki bit.....
Larry LaPrise at one point held the U.S. copyright for the song "Do The Hokey Cokey". LaPrise was born in Detroit, Michigan. He wrote "Do The Hokey Cokey" in the early 1940s for the après-ski crowd at a club in Sun Valley, Idaho. The song was first recorded by his group the Ram Trio in 1948.

Not the Wiki bit.......
:-)

When he died in 1996 aged 84, the Funeral Director told the family that everything went fine until they tried to put him in the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.
 
I was watching porn with the wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you are unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone is like that.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just that the plumbers that come to our house have tiny penises!!.
 

dlrg

LE
Went to a fancy Restaurant last night & ordered the Giant Duck.


The bill was huge.

_________________________________

I just spent 20 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of "night" was.


In the end, I had to call it a day.
 

dlrg

LE
I was really embarrassed the other day when my wife walked in on me playing with our son's train set.

In a moment of panic, I threw a bed cover over it.


I think I managed to cover my tracks.


_________________________________

A fella tried to sell me a mirror over the phone but I knew it was a scam.


I could see right through it.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A woman went to the doctors practice, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the corridor to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 

dlrg

LE
This morning my Son asked me.............."Dad what are condoms for?"



"Usually to avoid answering questions like these Son." .................... I replied
 
My son said to me... "Dad, I'm sorry I forgot to get you something for Father's Day."

"That's okay son" I said "I forget things all the time too."

"Like what?" he asked..

"Like the time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little cunt like you" I said.
 
I was browsing the crime pages in the local paper it said a man had be arrested for selling stolen twine

Police said he has been charged with a string of offences
 
Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh. It was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle.

A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face.
He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest.
We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened.

The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle.

The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle.
The needle took flight and went straight for my left arm.
Straight in it went, punctured an artery which made me bleed profusely
I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other arm.
I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere.
I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was told I’d need 4 pints of blood..

Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all.

It was a terror pin
 
Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh. It was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle.

A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face.
He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest.
We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened.

The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle.

The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle.
The needle took flight and went straight for my left arm.
Straight in it went, punctured an artery which made me bleed profusely
I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other arm.
I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere.
I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was told I’d need 4 pints of blood..

Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all.

It was a terror pin

You need to get out more.

Oh wait....
 
Channel 4 are looking for people to take part in a documentary about people who made the most of the summer holiday by camping in their back gardens.

It's being directed by Tentin Quarantino.
 
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