Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

dlrg

LE
Friend of mine applied for a Management role at IKEA yesterday.

The Manager greeted him & said.............."come in and make a Seat".
 
Bruce Lee was sitting outside outside a doctors surgery for his appointment. An hour passed, but still no sign of the doctor. But Bruce didn’t complain; he just sat there in his seat without complaining.

He was waiting patient Lee.
 
Quora is a site where you can ask any question, and eventually somebody will post an answer. That joke was in answer to "Whats the most British gag ever?"
Surely that would be either:

A. ‘OK lads back on your heads’

Or

B. ‘Where the **** do you think you’re going Higgins?’
 
I just been to Tesco's with the wife and out of the blue she says....

"You really are a lazy Bastard."

Well I nearly fell out of the fucking trolley!!.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1591735770115.jpg
 
You stole that off Quora.
Well spotted.

I prefer the word appropriated, rather than "stole". Less common, don't y'know.


Any way most of the "jokes" on here aren't exactly original.
 

anglo

LE
PFFFFFF, {spit}, f*cking good driver
What's wrong with you?
There was this bloke in a big American car, thinking about driving through
a narrow gate, I said,
If you can drive through that gate I''l suck your cock
PFFFFFFF, {spit} F*CKING GOOD DRIVER
 
When my best guy friend asked his girlfriend if he could fuck her in the arse, she looked at him with a wicked glint in her eye and said, “Baby, I’m happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you’d be prepared to do it yourself… So, do you still want to fuck me in the arse?”

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind,” he replied. “I want you to have sex with your sister" ..............
 
I went to the pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The guy behind the counter counted them out.
11-12-13. I said: "You've given me one too many".

He said: "That one's a freebee".
 
I went to the pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The guy behind the counter counted them out.
11-12-13. I said: "You've given me one too many".

He said: "That one's a freebee".
I went to the pet shop the other day and asked for 2 wasps.... the guy said sorry we dont sell wasps.. so i said well you've got 2 in the window
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I got back from my St Johns ambulance training earlier and my neighbour asked me how it went.

“I'm struggling with some of the techniques, i’m not sure if I'll pass the test tomorrow" I replied.

“Why don't you practice on me" he said.

So I stabbed him twice and then tried to stop the bleeding...
 
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Drill practice for the Queens Birthday.
Taking you a step further in your foot drill.

TWO METRES APART, BY THE LEFT QUICK MARCH!
 
A little old Jewish lady has taken her young grandson to the beach. He is playing in the shallow water. She is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the little boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He has simply vanished into the sea.
The grandmother raises her hands high up toward the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take him? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Hadassah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live the life that you would have me live?"
A loud voice booms down from the sky, "Okay, okay, already!" A few seconds later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the little boy is playing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
The grandmother looks at the boy for a moment, cups her hands to her mouth and yells up at the sky, "He had a hat!"

As a red sea pedestrian, there's more in that joke than you will ever know, hence the excellent!
 
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