Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

I took a nurse back to my place last night . As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?"

She said, "It's much bigger than most I see."

"Wow," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"

"I'm a midwife" she replied...
 
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but because of the lockdown he has been furloughed so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me as he’s at a loose end , he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made an outstanding job of the landing.
 
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but because of the lockdown he has been furloughed so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me as he’s at a loose end , he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made an outstanding job of the landing.
Grroannnnn! (Have a funny to help with the pain)
 
The wife Just asked me if I had any fantasies..

I said "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met"..

She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".

I said "No..Just the first bit".
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but because of the lockdown he has been furloughed so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me as he’s at a loose end , he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made an outstanding job of the landing.
How many flights are you up?
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?
Well ...... here it comes..."
 
Spent the weekend in the city with the wife; bought her some lingerie for the occasion. Got caught up in a Black Lives Matter demonstration today and ended up getting severely beaten.

All she said was “these knickers are making me feel uncomfortable”.
 
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, won the sword at Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”
At that point, the colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
Quora is a site where you can ask any question, and eventually somebody will post an answer. That joke was in answer to "Whats the most British gag ever?"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Quora is a site where you can ask any question, and eventually somebody will post an answer. That joke was in answer to "Whats the most British gag ever?"
Not one made from a satsuma and a pair of stockings?
 

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