Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.


Yesterday was not a good day..............I accidentally swallowed a load of Food Colouring.


Doctor said I'll be OK.............but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.


Went to the library this morning to look for the new book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat.


The librarian said "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it's in or out."


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"Doctor, I'm feeling a little hoarse."

"Well, let go of it and wash your hands immediately, you bestial pervert!"

Stand fast, Rebecca Loos!


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There's this chap in a pub just sitting there looking at his drink.
Without a word, a huge macho type walks over grabs the guy's drink and downs it.
The poor man who has been sitting at the bar starts crying.
Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying". Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that.
This day is the worst of my life.
First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my office.
My boss, outraged, fires me.
When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it was stolen.
And the police say they can do nothing to find my car.
I get a cab to return home, and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab.
I run after the cab driver who just laughs and drives away.
I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home and end up at this pub.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison"!
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Bloke sits at the bar, clutching his head in both hands, looking miserable.

Barman asks if he's alright.

Without moving his head, he replied No.

What's wrong?

Again without moving his head, My numbers came up on the lottery.

Great it was a rollover. Wait. You lost your ticket?

Still doesn't move his head, I found my ticket.

Well what's the problem?

It ran out on Tuesday and I forgot to renew.

Fúck if I did that I think I'd slit my throat.

Why do you think I'm sitting holding my head like this?


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Went to Home Bargains and they were selling a set of mens underpants for half price, marked Monday, Tuesday Wednesday etc,
Obviously a misprint, they should read January, February …..

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