Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. That was lucky for me as he stood on a landmine.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H = Husband, W = Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at Brent Cross. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only £1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2020 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only £60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I noticed your bank account and I stopped by the estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only £1,450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to £1,400,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to??
 
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H = Husband, W = Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at Brent Cross. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only £1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2020 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only £60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I noticed your bank account and I stopped by the estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only £1,450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to £1,400,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to??
I’m calling bollocks on that story. Why the fuck would anyone shower after a round of golf?
 
I’m calling bollocks on that story. Why the **** would anyone shower after a round of golf?
They've caught the ghey.

Well, they're playing golf after all.
 
My great uncle, a Sapper and a MM recipient, used to tell this one about himself.

After stepping on a landmine during a night attack in Holland he rolled about shouting "I've lost my leg."
At which point his mate shouted:
"No you haven't Fred, it's over there!"

The reality, according to his mate, was slightly different.

After stepping on the landmine, which took off his foot at the boot line (another 6 inches would be amputated later), Fred was heard to announce:

"Jerry got me!"

At which point he dressed the stump and lit a Woodbine. He then had to stub out the Woodbine as the Germans were attracted to the light and started shooting at it.

He told people that post war he sent the West German embassy a bill for the half smoked Woodbine.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
A white chappie and a chappie of the darker coloured persuasion die and go up to the Pearly gates:

St Peter to the white chappie: Hello, come on in, go over there to collect your white robes, wings and harp.
White chappie: Oooh thanks, am I to be an angel?
St P: Yes you are, now, off you trot.

St P to the coloured chappie: Hello, come on in, go over there to collect your black robes and black wings.
Coloured chappie: Ooooh thanks, but why no harp? and am I to be an angel?
St P: Of course you don't get a harp, you're going to be a fucking bat !
 
The Black Bra (as told by a woman):

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 
Two old ladies by the names of Jane & Ethel sneaked out of their nursing home for a crafty cigarette. It started raining hard, so Jane reaches into her handbag and takes out a condom. She opened the packet, took out the condom, snipped off the end and slipped it over her cigarette.

“What’s that?” asked Ethel.

“A condom” replied Jane. “You buy them at the pharmacists”.

Next day, Ethel sneaks out and heads into town to the pharmacy. She asks for a box of condoms.

“What size would you like?” asked the pharmacist, a little surprised that an old lady in her 80s was buying condoms. He was rather more surprised when Ethel answered

“oh it doesn’t really matter as long as they fit a Camel”
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
 
From the Aussies.

We were being inspected by the CO. Fat Cat (Gary Smith) was a bit of a likely lad and as the CO paused to check him out he noticed Fat Cat’s boomerang on his metal hat badge was a bit bent.

CO “Smith your boomerang is bent.”

Fat Cat “Has to be bent Sir or otherwise it would just be a stick.”

RSM (COs hit man and giver of punishment ) “ See me after the parade you little prick.”

Rest Of Us “Odd blurting noises.” aka trying not to laugh and also have to see the dreaded Regimental Sargent Major with Fat Cat.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1590010019365.jpg
 

NSP

LE
From the Aussies.

We were being inspected by the CO. Fat Cat (Gary Smith) was a bit of a likely lad and as the CO paused to check him out he noticed Fat Cat’s boomerang on his metal hat badge was a bit bent.

CO “Smith your boomerang is bent.”

Fat Cat “Has to be bent Sir or otherwise it would just be a stick.”

RSM (COs hit man and giver of punishment ) “ See me after the parade you little prick.”

Rest Of Us “Odd blurting noises.” aka trying not to laugh and also have to see the dreaded Regimental Sargent Major with Fat Cat.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....
 
I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them.
I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.
Discretion is guaranteed!!
Inbox me if you have any questions.
I have everything listed below...

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Zimmer frames, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable diapers etc etc.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A good-looking woman walks into a pub wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the barmaid for a beer.
At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times.
Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the barmaid as she passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?"
The barmaid gives him a nod.
"Buy her a drink on me."
The barmaid replies, "OK, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
 

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