Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Stumpy4154

LE
Book Reviewer
Yesterday a coffin at an undertakers suddenly came to life. Very quickly, it felt sick. Watching the news, it because convinced it had contracted COVID-19 from its intended recipient, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. Yes, I know its implausible, but bear with me; its worth it in the end (not)!

So off the coffin went to hospital. After the initial shock of seeing a live coffin in A&E, the doctor ran some tests and determined that the coffin did not, in fact, have corona.

"But I've got a fever, a sore throat, I'm coughing and I'm struggling to breathe" said the coffin, "I'm dying Doctor and I've only just come to life".

So the doctor ran some more tests, but still they were inconclusive. The coffin asked the Doctor for his best diagnosis of what the problem might be; "what do you think could be causing these terrible symptoms", it asked.

The doctor fiddled with his stethoscope as he tried to think of a plausible answer. Eventually he answered…….

"SARS cough I guess".
CB16645D-C6FF-4D4C-B6B8-C9FBCA14E02C.jpeg
 
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish hotel when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. TBH I was rather surprised that such a small hotel would have a house doctor; I was just telling the hotel manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling
.
.
.
"nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician"
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
I made the missus wake up with a huge smile on her face this morning.





I fucking love felt tips !
 
I made the missus wake up with a huge smile on her face this morning.





I fucking love felt tips !
I like having my tip felt too.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
What's the difference between a clit and Bud Light ?


A clit only tastes of piss for a second.
 

Stumpy4154

LE
Book Reviewer
Wet Wet Wet singer Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis.
When as about his condition he said
“ I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. “
 
I didn't sleep very well last night as I swallowed a big lump of clay in the evening. I was that worried I was shitting bricks!
 
An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Pakistani meet in the waiting room at a hospital.

Over the course of a conversation, it becomes apparent that all three are expectant fathers, all are first-timers, and all their wives are in labour right at that very moment.

The three get talking and are getting on rather well when the doctor appears, looking a little bit flustered.

“Gentlemen, I’m pleased to say that all your wives have delivered healthy sons, my congratulations to all of you.

However, I’m afraid we do have a small problem. We’re a small hospital and we’re not used to the maternity ward being quite so busy- I’m afraid that the midwife forgot to label the cots. We don’t know whose is whose!”

The Pakistani gentlemen smiles and says “Well, I think I can probably pick mine out of the three, but you two have got a bit of a problem.”

“Nonsense!”, says the Welshman, “I can tell my own son! Come on, saesneg, we can sort this out between us.”

The Englishman reluctantly agrees, and the three troop off to the maternity ward. On arrival, the Englishman enters first and promptly returns with what is, very obviously, the Pakistani child.

The Pakistani fellow protests, as you would, to which the Englishman says:

“Sorry mate, but one of them in there is Welsh, and I’m not taking any chances!”
 
Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?
Because the English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.
 

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer
Why has the med centre run out of aspirins?
Because the paras ate em all !
 
Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.

“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”

“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”

So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Why has the med centre run out of aspirins?
Because the paras ate em all !
This went around in 1981. I was in a single room. One evening Tpr D bimbled across the corridor into my room. "What would you say if I told you I'd taken a whole bottle of paracetamol?"

" I'd call you a stupid cúnt and seek urgent medical help. "

(Can you tell I didn't believe him?) He bimbled off again. I slept the sleep of the innocent.

Next morning, much kerfuffle. Turns out Tpr D had indeed popped a bottle of paracetamol. German paramedics had then stormed the corridor, then his room. I slept through. But then I'd slept through a mortar attack on Lisanelly Barracks, Omagh in April 76.

He'd even left a suicide note. It read, "You're all a bunch of cùnts. Except Corporal Alien. He's alright, he is." Pleased to report Tpr D made a full recovery. But, as an addendum to this above, and "there's no painkillers in the jungle because the parrots eat 'am all', there became, "No painkillers in the 15th/19th Hussars because Micky D ate 'em all."
 
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