Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

What’s black white & red & cant walk down 6 ft wide corridors?

A nun with a 7 foot spear through her head.

What’s white & wears check trousers?

Rupert the fridge.

And my personal favourite,

What’s red & screams?

A peeled baby in a bag of salt..
Q. What's the difference between a pile of dead foetuses and a Bentley?

A. I haven't got a Bentley in my garage
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine

.....A washing machine only leaks if it's f*cked


War Hero
Quentin Tarantino’s next big movie is based upon a 70's sitcom featuring Samuel L Jackson as the hapless accident suffering Frank Spencer.

"Some Motherfcukers Do Ave 'Em"
A brain and a battery walk into a pub. The barman says, " I'm not serving you two." "Why not?" says the brain. "Well," said the barman, "You're already out of your head and I'm afraid he might start something."

What do you call an underwater dog? A subwoofer.

Me: "Is this fly spray any good for wasps?" Sales assistant: "Not really. It kills them."

I was dating a woman who worked at a camping shop. We split up as the relationship was too intents.

This is a great time to buy a thermometer. They're much lower at this time of year.

I've put a marquee up in my garden, with funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of my disco-tent.

I saw two people in Tesco wrapped together in a giant barcode. I thought "They must be an item".

The police stopped me and asked me where I was between 5 and 11. I said "Primary School".

It's the Schizophrenia Society Annual Ball tonight. I'm in two minds whether to go or not.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went but I've got some leads.

I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better.

My mate told me, to meet him at half six so I turned up at three.

Me and my wife had an argument over my big purple dinosaur which she threw out. We had a massive Barney.




The book I was reading about anti-gravity was so good I couldn’t put it down.

If we clone Beyonce, will she become Beytwice?


It's raining cats and dogs
How do you know?
I just stepped in a poodle


Book Reviewer
What's the difference between a lorry load of marbles and a lorry load of babies?
You can't pick marbles up with a pitchfork.
I always knock on the fridge door before I open it just in case there's a salad dressing.

On my way to the shop a man jumped out and threw a tub of butter at me, then a load of milk and a dozen eggs. I thought, "how dairy."

If people want to build their own watchtowers, then that's their lookout.

There is one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up.

I nearly bought a hill today but it was a bit too steep.

I had an argument with a lollipop lady today. She made me cross.

My History lecturer asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past. I said, "Now and then."
I was walking down the street the other day, when some youths started throwing cheese at me. I thought "yeah, that's mature".

There was an explosion at the local cheese factory the other day. De Brie was everywhere.


Book Reviewer
What's the difference between a lorry load of marbles and a lorry load of babies?
Marbles don't melt until they reach 2000 degrees centigrade.


Q. What's the difference between an egg and a w**k?
A. You can beat an egg
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