Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

An African bloke walked up to the back door holding a bucket, he handed me the bucket and said, "Can you fill this up with water please?"

I said,"Fucking hell pal, how many miles have you walked for this water?"

He said,"None you cheeky baaastardt, I'm your window cleaner."
 
Was watching Rumpole and this old haory chestnut fell out during a chambers Dinner in which Rumpole tells a ribald joke to the Judge in the presence of SHWMBO

Courtroom scene.
Prosecution witness, defence council
"So what were you doing you and and so and so at that time?"
Witness, " We were in the 1 and ninepennies and he had 'is 'and up me skirt."
Defence council
So you were at the Pictures and he had his hands under your skirt."
Witness "Yes sir."
With, as Rumpole put it, an exactitude to be admired the old darling took out his pocket watch and exclaimed
"Shall we leave it there until Two PM."

Not that funny, I know- but why can't they write like that today?.
 

dlrg

LE
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Dave, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner out of her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
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Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
That dsmn cat!

CFB
Take an Orange from.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
 
Some time in the future, ex POTUS Trump dies and goes down to the underworld.
Devil says "Well, I've got you on my list so you have to come in. Trouble is, haven't got enough room for any more ex-politicos. I know, I have three here and you can replace one and I'll even let you pick which one and you can take their penance."

First room, Richard Nixon soaking wet. His penance to dive into water and come up empty handed over and over.
"No," says Trump "I was never very good in the swimming pool except for sunbathing round it".

Second room. Tony Blair with a big sledge hammer battering rocks.
"No," says Trump, "I have this dodgy shoulder and couldn't do that all day.

Third room. Bill Clinton with his trousers down getting a good seeing to by Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
"Yes," says Trump, "I can handle that."

"OK", says the Devil. "Monica, you're free to go."
 

AbeFruman

Clanker
A man wakes up in hospital after a terrible car crash with no penis.
The Doctor says this is the best hospital in the country for penis transplants.
We have an English one for £2000, we have a Scottish one for £3000 and a West Indian one for £5000 it will take 5 minutes no problem.
The man says I always discuss finance matters with my wife. Shes's in the waiting room I'll get her says the Doctor.
Five minutes later the Doctor comes back and says " Have you made a decision"?
Yes says the man "We're having a new kitchen"
 
Yesterday a coffin at an undertakers suddenly came to life. Very quickly, it felt sick. Watching the news, it because convinced it had contracted COVID-19 from its intended recipient, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. Yes, I know its implausible, but bear with me; its worth it in the end (not)!

So off the coffin went to hospital. After the initial shock of seeing a live coffin in A&E, the doctor ran some tests and determined that the coffin did not, in fact, have corona.

"But I've got a fever, a sore throat, I'm coughing and I'm struggling to breathe" said the coffin, "I'm dying Doctor and I've only just come to life".

So the doctor ran some more tests, but still they were inconclusive. The coffin asked the Doctor for his best diagnosis of what the problem might be; "what do you think could be causing these terrible symptoms", it asked.

The doctor fiddled with his stethoscope as he tried to think of a plausible answer. Eventually he answered…….

"SARS cough I guess".
 
Yesterday a coffin at an undertakers suddenly came to life. Very quickly, it felt sick. Watching the news, it because convinced it had contracted COVID-19 from its intended recipient, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. Yes, I know its implausible, but bear with me; its worth it in the end (not)!

So off the coffin went to hospital. After the initial shock of seeing a live coffin in A&E, the doctor ran some tests and determined that the coffin did not, in fact, have corona.

"But I've got a fever, a sore throat, I'm coughing and I'm struggling to breathe" said the coffin, "I'm dying Doctor and I've only just come to life".

So the doctor ran some more tests, but still they were inconclusive. The coffin asked the Doctor for his best diagnosis of what the problem might be; "what do you think could be causing these terrible symptoms", it asked.

The doctor fiddled with his stethoscope as he tried to think of a plausible answer. Eventually he answered…….

"SARS cough I guess".
You need to get out more. Oh, hang on .....
 
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