Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

BratMedic

LE
Book Reviewer

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
 

Dwarf

LE

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
FB_IMG_1585579036770.jpg
 

NSP

LE
An airline pilot is on final approach. The control tower radios, “You are cleared to land. Be aware that there is a Fokker executive jet landing ahead of you, over.”

“Roger, tower. I have the little Fokker in sight.”


A British Airways flight lands at Frankfurt International and is directed to taxi to Stand 57. The pilot turns off the runway and comes to a stop. The typically-efficient German controller pipes up in an irritated tone. “Flight 234; vy heff you stopped?”

“We’re just looking up where that stand is in the airport guide, tower.”

“Was ist das? Do you not know vehr zu are goink? Heff zu not been to Frankfurt before?!”

“I’ve been to Frankfurt before, tower – twice, in 1944. However, it was dark and I didn’t land.”


A hobby pilot in a self-built kit-plane is waiting to be cleared onto the runway for take-off. Coming into land is a large four-engined cargo aircraft. The cargo aircraft executes a somewhat heavy landing and as it trundles down the runway past the waiting light aircraft the cargo pilot sparks up his radio and in a condescending tone says “Gee! What a cute little airplane! Did you build it all by yourself?”

The hobbyist replies, “Yes – and a few more landings like that I’ll have enough parts to build another one.”



Is that my taxi…?
 
Last edited:

anglo

LE
Old, revamped, but still amusing.

A suspected male Coromavirus patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask. A young student nurse is passing by and he calls out from behind the mask "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, " Sorry, I don't know." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask and says "Thank you very much for that. Now, please listen very, closely: are my test results back?!
laff.jpg
 
A duck was standing at the side of the road waiting to cross when a chicken walks up to him and says “I wouldn’t bother mate, you’ll never hear the fücking end of it”
 

dlrg

LE
Jane always had an attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex."Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds.
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
Germans have been panic buying sausages and cheese. It’s the wurst kase scenario.

Meanwhile, in France supermarkets look like they’ve been hit by a tornado. All that’s left is de Brie.
 

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