Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
A suspected male Coromavirus patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask. A young student nurse is passing by and he calls out from behind the mask "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, " Sorry, I don't know." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask and says "Thank you very much for that. Now, please listen very, closely: are my test results back?!
I put a world map up on the kitchen wall this morning then gave the wife a dart.
I said "Here you are love. Throw this dart at the map and wherever it lands I'll take you there for a holiday when this virus thing is all over".
A fellow is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The fellow goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The fellow is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." the owner says.
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."