Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
As news breaks that Prince Charles is at Balmoral with Covid19, it is revealed that Prince Andrew is at Windsor with Jessica16.
 
If you receive an e-mail with “ding dong” in the subject line don’t open it.

It’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home.
 
I went to the doctor the other day. He examined me and said “I’ve got good news and bad news”

I said “What’s the bad news?”

He said “You’ve only got three weeks to live”

I said “Fück me, what’s the good news?”

He said “I’m fücking my receptionist”
 
I went to the doctor the other day. He examined me and said “I’ve got good news and bad news”

I said “What’s the bad news?”

He said “You’ve only got three weeks to live”

I said “Fück me, what’s the good news?”

He said “I’m fücking my receptionist”
Or, " you have 9 months to live."
"If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"
"I should have phoned you last year."
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
 
A frog goes into a bank and walks up to the teller. He sees the teller’s name badge, which reads Miss Paddy Wack.

“I’d like to arrange a loan for $30,000, Miss Wack. I want to go on holiday” says the frog. The teller asks him for some details “can I get your name”, she asks.

“I’m Kermit Jagger” says the frog,“You’ve probably heard of my Dad, Mick”. The teller seems unimpressed and asks Kermit “what collateral do you have Mr Jagger, you’ll need to secure a loan of that size”

At which point, the frog pulls a little china elephant from his pocket and says “will this do?”

Miss Wack looks somewhat disdainfully at the little elephant and says she’ll need to ask the manager. So she heads upstairs to see her boss. “Boss, I’ve got this crazy frog downstairs who wants a loan. Says his name is Kermit Jagger and all he’s offering for collateral is this little china elephant“

To which the manager replies. Wait for it...

“It’s a nick nack Paddy Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”
 

Dwarf

LE
If everyone is off work for a long time with this virus, will they develop Scouse accents?
 
Don't know what's going on, but I took my bin out about 8 pm last night and the whole street started clapping, cheeky bastards.
 
I had a Chinese takeaway delivered last night.

As I approached the driver to take it, he stepped back and shouted `isolate, isolate!’

I said `It’s fine. Don’t worry, mate, I only phoned up half-an-hour ago’
 
A frog goes into a bank and walks up to the teller. He sees the teller’s name badge, which reads Miss Paddy Wack.

“I’d like to arrange a loan for $30,000, Miss Wack. I want to go on holiday” says the frog. The teller asks him for some details “can I get your name”, she asks.

“I’m Kermit Jagger” says the frog,“You’ve probably heard of my Dad, Mick”. The teller seems unimpressed and asks Kermit “what collateral do you have Mr Jagger, you’ll need to secure a loan of that size”

At which point, the frog pulls a little china elephant from his pocket and says “will this do?”

Miss Wack looks somewhat disdainfully at the little elephant and says she’ll need to ask the manager. So she heads upstairs to see her boss. “Boss, I’ve got this crazy frog downstairs who wants a loan. Says his name is Kermit Jagger and all he’s offering for collateral is this little china elephant“

To which the manager replies. Wait for it...

“It’s a nick nack Paddy Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone”
At last, one I can tell my granny.
 

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