Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
I remember standing on parade one morning whilst stationed aboard the HMS Bulwark. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster.
"JACKSON?"
"Here sir! "
"KIBBEY?"
"Sir."
"STEPHENS?"
"Present, sir."
"SEEBACK?"
Nothing.
"SEEBACK?!"
Still nothing.
"DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"
As the Platoon Sergeant I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear,
"Sir, turn the paper over."
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sandra said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said Dick.
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"Uh huh," said Dick.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"That's right," said Richard, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Took the wife to an Italian restaurant. The menu was in Italian. "This, at the bottom, sounds nice. Pageone. What's that?" she asked.

"It's Page One," I replied.
 

napier

LE
Moderator
Kit Reviewer
I spotted a double entendre competition online, so I entered my girlfriend
 
I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."
 
On tour in the 80s, Keith Richards was getting in to some serious gear in his hotel room. There’s a knock on the door and his security guard calls “Keef, it’s the police”. So he dives into the bathroom and flushes away several thousand of pounds worth of pure cocaine.

“Let ‘em in” yells Keith and a couple of minutes later, he emerges from the bathroom. To find Sting and Stuart Copeland lounging on his sofa.

True story that one. Always cracks me up.
 
A young missionary sat down in the African bush to read his bible. A lion came up to him and laid down beside him. Convinced that this was God’s will, the missionary gently stroked the lion and began reading his bible again.

A while later, a second lion wanders up and lies down on his other side. “The Lord moves in mysterious ways” thought the missionary, as he gently patted the lions. All was peaceful until he picked up his bible and began reading again. At which point the two lions pounced, killed and devoured the man.

And the moral of this story? Don’t try to read between the lions.
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
 
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Celebrating watching his team beat the Scousers away, Quazimodo went to a Lime Street prozzie and asked, "How much?"
"£30, luv," the Scouse hooker replied.
"I've only got twenty," Quazi replied.
"Well come back when you've got thirty, lar."

Quazimodo decided to get the train home, and call in at the local knocking shop. It was only £20, so he paid up and did the deed.

Ten years later, a young boy stopped him. "You're my dad, and because of you, I've got this hump!" he said.

Quazi replied, "Listen son. Think yourself lucky I didn't have an extra tenner on me that night. You would have been born a Scouser!"
 
Quazimodo and his pal with the club foot were having a drink one night. On the way home from the pub, Quazi asked Club Foot if he fancied taking a short cut across the cemetery.

"Oh, no way!" Club Foot replied, "I hear it's haunted over there and it's just too creepy for me. I shall stick with limping the long way round."

Quazimodo laughed and told Club Foot he wasn't scared of any ghosts, and hobbled his way through the gates. As he got half way along, a demon suddenly popped up from behind a gravestone. Quazi was terrified.

"What are you doing here?" asked the demon.

"Just taking a short cut home from the pub," Quazimodo answered.

The demon winced, "What have you got on yer back?"

"That's my hump."

"Can I have it?" the demon asks him.

"Eh?" Quazi was shocked, "Yes, of course...take it!"

"Thanks," the demon snatches the hump, and Quazi straightens up.

Next day, Quazi rushed round to Club Foot's place and tells him what happened. Club Foot was impressed, and vowed to pay a visit to the graveyard that night.

About half way along, the same demon popped up. "What are you doing here?"

"Taking a short cut home, mate."

"What have you got on yer back?"

Club Foot smiled, "Oh, nothing mate."

So the demon said, "Here...have this hump!"
 

dlrg

LE
Quasimodo walking down the street. A fella shouts out "What's that lump in your pocket Quasi?"

He shouts back "It's a photo of my dad!"
 

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