Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

It made me laugh, rather than just groan like most of these.
Actually it wasn’t too bad.

I bet the same joke, or a variant thereof, has been told in all the service arms with the butt of the joke replaced by one of the others. Or even within the same branch- I have heard similar jokes about Sappers (totally unfounded of course).
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he just doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Mum,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?”
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Highways people. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint tin.”
 
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Highways people. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint tin.”
@Tedsson See what I mean?
 
Fred West came in from a hard day’s labour on his new patio, sits down and asks Rose to get him a beer.

“We’re out of Tennents but I’ve got some Boddy’s” comes the reply.
I suppose, that would have been when Fred and Rose were living in a two up, nine down?
 
I suppose, that would have been when Fred and Rose were living in a two up, nine down?
That’s the one.

Fred’s now part of a works party in hell, along with fellow mass murderers Geoffrey Dahmer and Ivan Millat. Occasionally the Devil allows them a beer. When asked, Dahmer says “I’ll have a
Bud.” Millat, asks for a Fosters. Fred says “ooh, I could murders some Tennents”.
 
Reading the Ebola and COVID threads reminded me of this hoary old chestnut from the sixties.


Teacher talking to the class about the COVID outbreak in China. “Now class. For your homework tonight I want you to write a short story in which you use the word contagious” which she writes on the blackboard.

The following day they are asked to read their stories to the class. All the Tabithas, Amelias, Henrys and Jacobs read their stories, to various levels of praise.

As ever Little Johnny (for it is he!) is the last to read his story.

“Here’s my story Miss”

“When I went home yesterday my Uncle Bill was laying bricks in the back garden. My Dad looked at him through the window, laughed and said “It will take that cunt ages to build that wall””.
 
Reading the Ebola and COVID threads reminded me of this hoary old chestnut from the sixties.


Teacher talking to the class about the COVID outbreak in China. “Now class. For your homework tonight I want you to write a short story in which you use the word contagious” which she writes on the blackboard.

The following day they are asked to read their stories to the class. All the Tabithas, Amelias, Henrys and Jacobs read their stories, to various levels of praise.

As ever Little Johnny (for it is he!) is the last to read his story.

“Here’s my story Miss”

“When I went home yesterday my Uncle Bill was laying bricks in the back garden. My Dad looked at him through the window, laughed and said “It will take that **** ages to build that wall””.
Am I the only one who reads this new virus name as CORVID?
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"
"Gladiator?"
"No, I really miss her"
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The only thing Flat Earthers fear is

.

.

.

Is Sphere itself
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
A man goes into the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."
I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
 

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