Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

It made me laugh, rather than just groan like most of these.
Actually it wasn’t too bad.

I bet the same joke, or a variant thereof, has been told in all the service arms with the butt of the joke replaced by one of the others. Or even within the same branch- I have heard similar jokes about Sappers (totally unfounded of course).
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he just doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Mum,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?”
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Highways people. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint tin.”
 
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Highways people. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint tin.”
@Tedsson See what I mean?
 
I suppose, that would have been when Fred and Rose were living in a two up, nine down?
That’s the one.

Fred’s now part of a works party in hell, along with fellow mass murderers Geoffrey Dahmer and Ivan Millat. Occasionally the Devil allows them a beer. When asked, Dahmer says “I’ll have a
Bud.” Millat, asks for a Fosters. Fred says “ooh, I could murders some Tennents”.
 
Reading the Ebola and COVID threads reminded me of this hoary old chestnut from the sixties.


Teacher talking to the class about the COVID outbreak in China. “Now class. For your homework tonight I want you to write a short story in which you use the word contagious” which she writes on the blackboard.

The following day they are asked to read their stories to the class. All the Tabithas, Amelias, Henrys and Jacobs read their stories, to various levels of praise.

As ever Little Johnny (for it is he!) is the last to read his story.

“Here’s my story Miss”

“When I went home yesterday my Uncle Bill was laying bricks in the back garden. My Dad looked at him through the window, laughed and said “It will take that cunt ages to build that wall””.
 
Reading the Ebola and COVID threads reminded me of this hoary old chestnut from the sixties.


Teacher talking to the class about the COVID outbreak in China. “Now class. For your homework tonight I want you to write a short story in which you use the word contagious” which she writes on the blackboard.

The following day they are asked to read their stories to the class. All the Tabithas, Amelias, Henrys and Jacobs read their stories, to various levels of praise.

As ever Little Johnny (for it is he!) is the last to read his story.

“Here’s my story Miss”

“When I went home yesterday my Uncle Bill was laying bricks in the back garden. My Dad looked at him through the window, laughed and said “It will take that **** ages to build that wall””.
Am I the only one who reads this new virus name as CORVID?
 

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