Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
Ques: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Ans: Because their balls would show!
 
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
 
Two blokes hiking, came across a deep looking hole in the ground in a small wood. One says "Lets throw that old engine block in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." They humped it across to the hole, pushed it over the edge and stood there listening intently for the sound of it hitting the bottom. After about 10 seconds, there still was no soumd, but a Billy goat suddenly appeared through the bushes charging head down at them, each leapt yelling out of the way and the goat disappeared down the hole. "Fuck me that was close, we could have got knocked down that sodding hole says one." Just as the other was about to reply, a farmer rushed up and said " Have you seen an old engine block anywhere around, my Billy goat is tied to it?"
 
1066. Hastings.

Eve of the battle sees Harold gathering his troops. He calls out for a right hand man - a swordsman.

"I'm your man" says the chap stepping forward, who then gives an impressive display of swordsmanship.

Next, Harold calls for a pikeman to stand to his left.

"I'm your man" says the chap stepping forward, who then gives an impressive display of pike handling.

Next, Harold calls for a personal archer.

"I'm your man" says the chap stepping forward, who then gives an awful display of archery, fires an arrow at the biggest tree and misses by a mile.

Harold days to his swordsman -

"Watch that cnut tomorrow, he'll have someone's eye out with that!"
 
Fred West came in from a hard day’s labour on his new patio, sits down and asks Rose to get him a beer.

“We’re out of Tennents but I’ve got some Boddy’s” comes the reply.
 

Union Jack

Clanker
Two crocodiles in a swamp.

Both staring into the distance.

One crocodile turns to the other and says 'It doesn't feel like a Monday, does it Dave?'
A remarkable recollection on your part, observing that the original joke appeared ion Wednesday 21 July 1937, according to Paul Crum Hippo Cartoons from Punch magazine | PUNCH Magazine Cartoon Archive , although it appears that your crocodile was probably right since the hippo in the original version kept thinking it was a Tuesday.

Other versions are available.....

Apologies, Porky - I couldn't resist it since I recalled that it was one of my great grandfather's favourite jokes!:)

Jack
 
Last edited:
A remarkable recollection on your part, observing that the original joke appeared ion Wednesday 21 July 1937, according to Paul Crum Hippo Cartoons from Punch magazine | PUNCH Magazine Cartoon Archive , although it appears that your crocodile was probably right since the hippo in the original version kept thinking it was a Tuesday.

Other versions are available.....

Apologies, Porky - I couldn't resist it since I recalled that it was one of my great grandfather's favourite jokes!:)

Jack
I dont get it...
 
A remarkable recollection on your part, observing that the original joke appeared ion Wednesday 21 July 1937, according to Paul Crum Hippo Cartoons from Punch magazine | PUNCH Magazine Cartoon Archive , although it appears that your crocodile was probably right since the hippo in the original version kept thinking it was a Tuesday.

Other versions are available.....

Apologies, Porky - I couldn't resist it since I recalled that it was one of my great grandfather's favourite jokes!:)

Jack
Now then U. J. As you are a cartoon historian.
Ewen Bain's Angus Og, Daily Record 1960 - 1980.
The frame I'm looking for is:-
P. C. McPharter, looking back at the tear in the seat of his trousers.
" Choos, look at the state of my elbow"
+. +. +. +. +
An example of Ewen's work
sketch-1581718513049.png
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Now then U. J. As you are a cartoon historian.
Ewen Bain's Angus Og, Daily Record 1960 - 1980.
The frame I'm looking for is:-
P. C. McPharter, looking back at the tear in the seat of his trousers.
" Choos, look at the state of my elbow"
+. +. +. +. +
An example of Ewen's work
View attachment 449952
Instantly, into my head, possibly the Big Yin:

There was a coo upon a hill.
It's no there noo. It musta bùggered aff.
 
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St.
Peter. "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99%
capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven.
Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."

"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week
that begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another
question. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance.
What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
 

Union Jack

Clanker
Now then U. J. As you are a cartoon historian.
Ewen Bain's Angus Og, Daily Record 1960 - 1980.
The frame I'm looking for is:-
P. C. McPharter, looking back at the tear in the seat of his trousers.
" Choos, look at the state of my elbow"
+. +. +. +. +
An example of Ewen's work
View attachment 449952
Many thanks for the pleasant reminder of Angus Og which, together with the two subsequent posts, inevitably led me to remember that "The fourth craw wasnae there at a'."....:)

Jack
 

dlrg

LE
My wife bought me a new pair of jeans.
"How do they fit" she asked
"Like a Cheap Castle" I replied
"whaddya mean" said she.

"No Ballroom!"
 

anglo

LE
Three service, men {navy, air force and army} get jailed for a heinous crime, the judges gives them 5 years solitary confinement, to stop them getting bore each will be given 5 steel ball {bearings,}
Five years later the cell doors are opened,
Cell one is the navy man, he is stood in the middle of the cell with the steel balls balanced one on top of the other, on top of his head,
Cell two is opened and the airman is stood in the middle of the cell, juggling all five balls using only one hand
Cell three is opened, and the army man explains he has lost two and broken three
 
Three service, men {navy, air force and army} get jailed for a heinous crime, the judges gives them 5 years solitary confinement, to stop them getting bore each will be given 5 steel ball {bearings,}
Five years later the cell doors are opened,
Cell one is the navy man, he is stood in the middle of the cell with the steel balls balanced one on top of the other, on top of his head,
Cell two is opened and the airman is stood in the middle of the cell, juggling all five balls using only one hand
Cell three is opened, and the army man explains he has lost two and broken three
Disqualified for not being crap!
 

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