Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
Liverpool once tried to get Yul Brynner to advertise their new aftershave but..
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Yul never wore cologne.....
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in

a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection,he

noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the IrishSergeant why the camel is kept there.

Well, sir,is the nervous reply, As you know, there are 250 men here

and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m....urges.That's

why we have the camel, sir. The American Captain says, I can't say that I condone this,

but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. About a month later,

the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant

to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it,

pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.When he is done,

he asks the Sergeant, Is that how the Irish do it? Uh, no sir,theSergeant replies. They usually just ride

the camel into town where the girls are.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beau Gest has just reached his new Fort in the desert.
After a few weeks he starts to feel the need for sex.
He asks a fellow Legionairre what they do for sex.
We wait for a camel train and then shag a camel was the reply.
Beau is a little disappointed but accepts that life in the Foreign Legion is hard.
Anyway a few days later he hears a shout from the ramparts of the fort, a camel train has been spotted.
Suddenly there is chaos as Legionairres drop everything and run out the gates towards the camels.
Beau is caught up in the rush and asks a fellow Legionairre what the rush is for.



The answer was


Well, you don't want to get stuck with an ugly one do you
 
#820 Reminds me of:

Two old colonels sitting in the sunshine outside their retirement home.

Gladys rips off her clothes and streaks across the lawn.

OC1: “I say old chap. Did you see Gladys just now. What was she wearing”
OC2: “Not sure old boy but it needed ironing”
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move

slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I

must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,

"everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your

sister,your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose His grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store.....and unplugs the horse
 
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move

slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I

must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,

"everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your

sister,your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Probably the same death bed.
Becky brings in his three sons to say goodbye to Jake. Two, tall, strapping young lads as bright as a button. The third a weedy, scrawny little sod with the IQ of pissed gnat.
"Tell me, Becky", says Jake pointing to the scrawny half-wit", please tell me he ain't mine",
Becky replies "He is, they ain't".

(acknowledgements to Benny Hill I think).
 
Probably the same death bed.
Becky brings in his three sons to say goodbye to Jake. Two, tall, strapping young lads as bright as a button. The third a weedy, scrawny little sod with the IQ of pissed gnat.
"Tell me, Becky", says Jake pointing to the scrawny half-wit", please tell me he ain't mine",
Becky replies "He is, they ain't".

(acknowledgements to Benny Hill I think).
Dunno why but it reminded me of this old shaggy dog story (maybe the three sons).

Colonel Sir Bufton-Tufton has three male triplets.

On the morning of their 18th birthday he is sat in the breakfast room scoffing his kedgeree and Darjeeling whilst reading the Times.

Son Algernon walks in.
“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your footsteps, go to Sandhurst and weplicate your illustrious militawy caweer in the Guards”
“Capital notion Algy. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your cadetship to start you off”.


Son Bertram walks in.
“Happy birthday my son. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Pater, I wather thought I would follow in your post militawy footsteps, go to Balliol, study law and weplicate your illustrious legal caweer as a bawwister
“Capital notion Berty. Here’s two thousand pounds towards your studies to start you off”

Half an hour later son Harold shambles in dressed in shabby clothes and with a catastrophic hangover.
“Happy birthday Harry. What are your plans now you have reached your majority”.
“Well Dad, I thought I would break with family tradition, take to the land and become a farmer”
The colonel goes red in the face and explodes.
“A farmer. A ruddy farmer. Wading around in pigshit and rogering milkmaids. The Bufton-Tuftons have a proud tradition of entering the army, the law, the church or the varsities. I’m absolutely appalled”
So he kicked Harry in the bollox and said “There’s two acres to get you started off”.
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Basildon. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair starts shouting,



"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour".



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mate! I'm talking to that little b*stard sitting on your knee".
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during s*x.



After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject.



After three years of research and a cost in excess of £250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more s*xual pleasure.



When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around £75, the Irish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Slightly off thread, but a good test for you ARRSErs out there.

Test for Dementia


> Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.



> Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

> First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!



Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

>

Second Question:

> If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.

Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10.

What is the total?

>Scroll down for answer.


Did you get 5000?


The correct answer is actually 4100

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!


Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again


Okay, now the bonus round:


>

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
 
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during s*x.



After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject.



After three years of research and a cost in excess of £250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more s*xual pleasure.



When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around £75, the Irish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's p*nis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Attended the wedding and reception of an RAF officer who had been BALO to 4 Armd Bde, his best man opened his speech with the above joke, for some reason it did not meet with the acclaim he expected.
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Out of the mouths of babes and … a child from Glasgow.

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,

'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FU-KIN' DEID'
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
Two tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole,

they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,

“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?”

The blonde waitress leaned over and said,

“Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg...”
 

Dwarf

LE
I don't know if you use Facebook much, I don't, but I've just been blocked by a French tourist I met a while ago. We had been discussing sport and he asked me if I knew who won the first Tour de France?
Then he blocked me because I got the answer wrong.
Apparently it wasn't the German 5th Panzer Division.
 

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