Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
Can I just give a big shout out to the guy who just told me the meaning of the word Plethora.....
.
.
.
.
.
It means a lot.
 
It had been a bitterly cold night and the farmer went out to round up his cows for milking, only to find them all frozen solid, motionless; like statues.
He never thought anything like this could happen.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" he asked.
"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."
Ah, actress jokes.

“How do you become an actress”
“Sit in front of the fire until your Googie Withers”
 
Recently, just after the Gen'l Erection, 2 sad and weary Labour types are walking toward Westminster commiserating away and spy a dog furiously licking away at his tackle.
Jemmy says to his sidekick "don't you wish you could do that?"
John who eyes the doggies goings on with some admiration replies " I most surely do, but he'd probably bite me if I tried"
Or:

“I wish I could do that”
“Give him a biscuit and he will let you”
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
A TRAMP goes into the ironmongers, walks up to the counter and says "Gissa bottle o' meths."

"Be off with you, "you'll drink it!"

"Shan't," says the tramp, "Go, on please."

"I told you, you can't have it 'cos you'll drink it!"

"Promise I won't," says the tramp.

"OK, OK - here you go, 85p" says the ironmonger.

"Any chance of one from the fridge?"
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
A MAN out having a stroll comes across a little lad in his homemade cart made up to look like a fire engine.

The bloke says, "that's a nice fire engine you've got there son, but I'll give you a tip: tie the rope round the dog's neck instead of it's testicles it'll go faster."

The kid looks at him and says, "yeah, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, Pack your bags baby, I just won the

lottery!

All £10,000,000.... Woooohooo!!!!That's great sweetie she replies,Do I

pack for the beach or the mountains?

" Who cares, he replies, Just piss off .

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in

a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection,he

noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the IrishSergeant why the camel is kept there.

Well, sir,is the nervous reply, As you know, there are 250 men here

and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m....urges.That's

why we have the camel, sir. The American Captain says, I can't say that I condone this,

but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. About a month later,

the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant

to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it,

pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.When he is done,

he asks the Sergeant, Is that how the Irish do it? Uh, no sir,theSergeant replies. They usually just ride

the camel into town where the girls are.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean

and serve the venison for supper. He that knows his kids are fussy eaters,

and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're

eating. Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes

calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother.

"Spit it out! It's an arsehole!"
 

spoolerdog

Clanker
A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a

drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, Hey, you

wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky

voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I

think it is just fair - given that you are blind -that you should know

five things....

1. -The bartender is a blonde girl.

2. -The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. -I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in

karate. > 4. -The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a

professional weightlifter.

5. -The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.



Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that

joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and

declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you . is that "British Hospitality ?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,
"That is the French Embassy."
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
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It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered.
 
Early hours of the morning and in staggers a guy who's confronted by his raging wife.

Where have you been until this late?

Playing poker with some of the lads.

Well I've had enough of this shit, so you can pack your bags and fcuk off.

You better pack your bags too, sweet cheeks, we don't own this house anymore.
 
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,"Ma - There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"
 
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a £10 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won £250 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''
 

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