Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[wrinklyone]

An Irish girl from the country calls at the hospital and says, “I’d like to see an outturn please,”
“You mean an intern,” says the nurse.
“Whatever you call them, I want a contamination,” she says.
"You mean an examination,” says the nurse.
“Yes, I need to see the fraternity ward.”
“You mean the maternity ward.”
“Call it what you like,” says the girl, annoyed, “but I know that I haven’t demonstrated for two months and I think I’m stagnant.”

 

[wrinklyone]

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"

 

[dlrg]

 

[dlrg]

 

[dlrg]

 

[bobthebuilder]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
.
.
.
.
.
.
She gagged

 

[dlrg]

 

[wrinklyone]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and

I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that
the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave
the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......”
The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea
what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.
I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

 

[Norfolkred1]

Dad joke:
I have just seen a sheep driving a car wearing a swimming costume
I'm sure it was a Lamb Bikini

 

[bobthebuilder]

Chimpanzees are clever animals; one of the few that makes tools. But one chimp was much better than the others; he made tools to eat with. One was a single sharp blade which he called his one-point-tool. The other had four prongs and he called this one his four-point-tool. Using them together, he could cut up fruit and eat it without any of the mess that chimps usually make. The rest of his troop were massively impressed and quite jealous; they all wanted the tools.

But one day he went to eat a mango, only to find his four-point-tool was missing. His first thoughts were that one of the jealous chimps had pinched it, but, after several arguments and fights (they were chimps after all) he concluded that it wasn’t one of them.

So off he went to talk to some of the other animals. First, he asked the lion if he’d taken his four-point-tool. But the lion said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had sharp claws.

So next, he went to the elephant and asked him. But the elephant said no, why would he want a silly little tool when he had a trunk.

Finally, after asking all of the other animals, he found the jaguar who was smiling smugly. “Have you taken my eating tool, Mr Jaguar?” said the chimp. “Yes, and I ate it” growled the jaguar. “Why?” cried the chimps, in tears.

“You see”, the jaguar replied “I’m a four-point-tool eater jaguar”.

 

[wrinklyone]

Two Chav girls are in the perfume shop
One picked up a sample bottle and sprayed it on her wrist
"`ere Shazza, this smells nice dunnit?, it's called Venez a Moi, woss that mean?"
The shop assistant says it's French for "Come to me"
Shazza takes another sniff.....Well it don't smell like "cum to me" she said, offering her arm to Tracey , "Does that smell like Cum to you?

 

[beefer]

Young “lady” from Essex is involved in a car crash and is heavily concussed in the vehicle and slightly hysterical when the medics arrive. Medic say “don’t worry love we’ll have you out of here in no time, I’ve just got to check a few things” He holds up two fingers and says “how many fingers have I got up?”

She screams “OH MY GOD I’M PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN!”

 

[dlrg]

 

[bobthebuilder]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans. Like most impressionable young people, they all put their hands up. Except one. Little Jonny.

The Teacher, herself obviously leftie, made Little Jonny stand up and demanded to know why he hadn’t put his hand up.

“We’ll Miss, I’m a Conservative”, said Jonny.

The teacher asked him “why?”” “My Dad’s a Conservative and so’s my Mum. That makes me a Conservative” said Jonny.

Visibly annoyed that there was Tory scum in her classroom, the teacher said to Jonny “You need to think for yourself Jonny and listen to us teachers. Your parents can’t make you a Tory. If your Dad was a moron and your Mum was an idiot, what would that make you?”

To which Jonny replies “a Jeremy Corbyn fan?”

 

[kiwidoug]

What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?




The Jetsons, you fücking racist.

 

[bedended]

View attachment 436554

Morning @dlrg,
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

 

[bedended]

Morning @A signaller,
It is very very old but it falls within the criteria of the thread title. I thought only old <*#ts would have heard it before so posted it for the young <*#ts.
Are you in the same category as myself then

 

[wrinklyone]

Every Christmas we'd run downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best gifts but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day. I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

 

[A signaller]

Morning @A signaller,
It is very very old but it falls within the criteria of the thread title. I thought only old <*#ts would have heard it before so posted it for the young <*#ts.
Are you in the same category as myself then

Correct, old, myopic, arthritic, broke, deaf ( Selective), hen pecked, grumpy, slow argumentative, irascible, but underneath, a really wonderful human being................

Late edit:- I live on the northern edge of the black country, its a dialect joke!

 

[Evdhimong]

Tits like coconuts.