Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

EddieVDog

War Hero
Blonde is speeding along a road when she hears sirens and sees the flashing blue lights in her mirror. She pulls over and a female copper, also blonde approaches her driver's side window.
Cop: 'do you know why I pulled you over?'
Blonde: 'er, I might have been going a little fast?'
Cop: 'Can I see your license please?'
Blonde 'License?'
Cop: 'yes, its a little rectangular thing, probably in your purse. It has a picture of you on it'
Blonde searches in her handbag and finds her makeup mirror, she sees herself in it and thinks 'aha, must be my license' and hands it to the copper
Cop looks at it and hands it back 'sorry to have troubled you ma'am, didn't realise you were a police officer too, have a nice day'
 

EddieVDog

War Hero
Blondes are getting fed up with all the negative press they get about being dumb, so the International Blonde Association oragnises a huge get together in Wembley Stadium to disprove the myth. The event is going to be televised live across the World and one blonde is selected to represent the whole species....Come the day 87,000 blondes are gathered in the stadium and a celebrity interviewer is chosen to ask the representative a simple question.
'Okay, here we go, what's the capital of England?
The blonde answers 'E'
The interviewer grimaces and says 'sorry, that's wrong'
87,000 voices shout as one 'give her another chance!'
Interviewer tries another question
'Who invented the telephone?'
The blonde answers 'Apple?'
'Sorry, that's the wrong answer'
87,000 blondes shout 'Give her another chance!'
The interviewer asks another question, a very simple one
'what's two plus two?'
The blond purses her lips, squints and thinks very hard
'four?' she says
before the interviewer has a chance to say anything, 87,000 voices shout 'Give her another chance!'
 
Took the mother-in-law to Madam Tussauds.
We went into the basement to the "Chamber of Horrors".
A kind assistant came up to me and said, "Keep her moving about, Sir. We're stocktaking."

Les Dawson.
 
A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
 
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing 1000 Quid bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
"I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay"; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man”
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
wife.jpg
 

BREAKING NEWS
Arsenal players broke into the kit room at Tottenham Hotspur and stole all the home kits.
They even had the brass neck to wear them for their match at Crystal Palace.
 

BREAKING NEWS
Arsenal players broke into the kit room at Tottenham Hotspur and stole all the home kits.
They even had the brass neck to wear them for their match at Crystal Palace.

Morning @WolvoExPunk,
Link not working here. What's the story?
 
Just before their first long deployment, two army buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families.

A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: “You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he said adding, “Never, ever, whistle while you pack.”
 
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted.
My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night.
She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.
 
Just before their first long deployment, two army buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families.

A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: “You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he said adding, “Never, ever, whistle while you pack.”
and be suspicious if she helps you pack.
 
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