Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

[Lardbeast]

Woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

Woman with both legs the same length.

Noleen.

 

[NSP]

It was probably hardened criminals wot done it.

Nah - they only rob Viagra and Cialis.

 

[johnboyzzz]

Saw a van this morning, "Robert & Robert Painter & decorators."
Sounds like a two bob outfit to me.

 

[Dan Gleebles]

Saw a book called Horseshit In the Street

By GG Dunnit.

 

[Club Swinger]

Seven dwarfs in a bath all feeling happy.

So happy got out and they all felt grumpy.

 

[Dan Gleebles]

I’m pissed off with all these Stannah Stairlift adverts on the telly.

They’re driving me up the wall…

 

[NSP]

The View From The Clifftops by Eileen Dover (hardback/paperback)

Fluctuations In Share Capital In The Automotive Industry by Mercedes Benz-Down (hardback/paperback)

Adventures In A Sexual Landscape by Randy B'Stard (hardback only)

Studmuffin by Ivor Biggun (Kindle edition)

 

[miner69er]

Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever done.

I can hear my wife perfectly now.

 

[miner69er]

If barristers go on strike this week what the f*ck am I supposed to hold on to when I go upstairs?

 

[miner69er]

I've just taken the difficult decision to turn off the wife's life support machine.
I've unplugged the fridge.

 

[miner69er]

The man suing the NHS for performing a sex change on him says the risks weren't made clear and he's been left with no libido, incontinent, and feeling numb.
Who'd have thought having your bollocks cut off and your penis split in two could cause so many problems?

 

[CrabfatBILL]

Four and twenty virgins came down to Kerrymuir
When the ball was over there were four and twenty fewer.

CFB

 

[bobthebuilder]

Saw a van this morning, "Robert & Robert Painter & decorators."
Sounds like a two bob outfit to me.

Saw a van this morning “Robert and Nephew Painter and Decorators” so I rang their number and asked them to come and paint the front room. And Bob’s your uncle; it’s already done!

 

[ericferret]

If barristers go on strike this week what the f*ck am I supposed to hold on to when I go upstairs?

And whos going to make the coffee in Starbucks

 

[WolvoExPunk]

And whos going to make the coffee in Starbucks

 

[Nomad1382]

Woman with both legs the same length.

Noleen.

Same woman in Japan is called Noreen.

 

[miner69er]

My wife said sex with me is boring because I get easily distracted...

Oh well, best get back on with it..

 

[miner69er]

What's the big deal with trans men competing in women's sports. Serena Williams and his brother have been doing it for years!

 

[miner69er]

I saw a Facebook competition to win a meal at a Vegan restaurant, the caption said 'bring a friend' - I can't imagine that being successful.

 

[miner69er]

I think we should start saying "crystallized water formation" as it offends me when people use the word snowflake.