Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

I don't get out of bed for £15,000...
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Now I'm not saying the Proctologist I saw today had the biggest hands in the world,
but he was definitely up there
tiredoldhorse Walt..
 
There's a girl with no legs sunbathing on the beach.

Some bloke comes up to her.

"You alright love? Ever been snogged?"
"No."
So he snogs her.
"Ever been fingered?"
"No."
So he fingers her.
"Ever been fvcked?"
"No."
"Well you are now love, the tide is coming in."
 
The woke Brigade and plant based army are now claiming that cows emit more pollution than cars

If you believe that, I'll do a deal with you;

You lock yourself in a garage overnight with the engine running, I'll do the same with a cow

We can discuss in the morning
 
There are seven ages of man:

Sixteen to twenty-five... twice daily.
Twenty-five to thirty-five... thrice weekly.
Thirty-five to forty-five... try weekly.
Forty-five to fifty-five... try weakly.
Fifty-five to sixty-five... try oysters.
Sixty-five to seventy-five... try anything.
Seventy-five and beyond... try to remember.
 
After a long and brutal civil war, two rival African militias decided on a truce. The leader of the Northern militia visited his Southern former enemy, where they discussed peace over a lavish feast.
Before leaving, the Southern leader held up a revolver, and told him, "We have a tradition, from our old Soviet rulers. A game of Russian roulette after a feast."
He showed the Northern leader the empty gun, and placed one bullet in. Spun the chamber, placed the gun to his head, and pulled the trigger...click.
Then, the Northern leader had his go...click.
Both men hugged and went their separate ways.
Next week, the Southern leader visited the North.
After more peace talks and feasting, the Northern leader took the Southern leader into a room, containing six of his tribe's most beautiful women.
"My brother, you can choose any one of these six ladies to give you a blow-job?"
"What's the catch?"
"One of them is a cannibal."
 
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The BBC's method of trying to create unity in society via sanctimonious lecturing and preaching is a bit like trying to prevent paedophilia by employing several of them and turning a blind eye to it for fifty years.
 

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