Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

How do you make a Whoopee cushion even funnier?

Fill it with gravy
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What was Prince Andrew's least-favourite chart compilation album?
Now 16.
Really should have listened to ‘Young Girl’ by Gary Puckett And The Union Gap.
 
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'

Apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

I'm wondering now if it's the same ring I put on when I got married...
 

dlrg

LE
A husband and wife had been married 42 years. In all that time, the husband had forbidden his wife to look in the safe.

One day, he returned home from work and his wife said, “I’ve looked in the safe”

He’s not best pleased and says,?Well, what did you find?”

She replies, “WelI, I found £12,000 and 3 eggs”

“OK, I’d better come clean then“, he says. “Every time I slept with another woman, I put an egg in the safe”.

“So, 3 women in 42 years?”, the wife ponders. “I guess that’s not too bad, I forgive you”.

She then asks, “Where did all the money come from?”

”Oh”, he replies! “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them”.
 

dlrg

LE
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WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.
 
Use shredded newspaper and an oxo cube to make your own pot noodles. Cheaper and lower in calories, but with the same taste
Follow me for more low cost diet tips
 
"Do you like Tolstoy?", I asked Diane Abbott.
"Of course”, she replied, “Who doesn't?"
"What's your favourite book?", I asked.
"The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz tries to save him", she answered.
 
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