Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

The bloke who has had a pigs heart fitted should be out of hospital in about a weeeeeeeeek.

"Tell me, darling, you know we've talked about building our own house, what do you think about straw as a building material? Wait a minute, what's that smell? Is that bacon you're cooking? I wondered what happened to the rest of me."
 
Me and the Mrs were in town earlier when this woman came over and said to her:

"Your husband reminds me of my cat"

"Don't tell me" she said "smooth, sleek and loyal?"

"No" she laughed "they both like sitting in the tree outside my bedroom window"
 
Man: Doctor, my cock is too small for sex.
Doctor: Try using your hands too wiggle it about.
Man: I cant.
Doctor: Why not?
Man: I need them both to hold its legs to stop it escaping !!
 
It's OK for the government to take wine to work and have a good old time, but when I did it on the no 17 to Manchester passengers complained like ****.
One rule for ministers and their cronies but another for hard working bus drivers.
 
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We were all at a fishing trip, no one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
We said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. We couldn't believe it. We said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
 

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