Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Some bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Have you got a dog?"
I said, "Yes, why?"
He said, "Is it white, overweight, quite hairy and has a really ugly face?"
I said, "Yes, why?"
He said, "I think I've just killed It with my car".
"Well it can't be mine", I replied.
"Mine is in bed, eating toast and watching Jeremy Kyle".
 
God and an Angel were creating Bees:
God sternly said “Make sure to have them be an important part in pollination”.
“Ok boss will do”. Replied the Angel.
Then God said “Have them fly with little wings and a sting in their tail”.
“Excellent idea my Lord” Agreed the Angel.
Then God said Excitedly “Oh oh and give them the greatest knees ever!”.
 
I’m looking for somewhere to stay temporarily while I recover from a rather nasty injury that happened just before I became homeless.
What happened was my wife told me to go to the chemist’s and get some of those pills that might reawaken the part that has been inactive for a while now.
So I did and the last thing I seem to remember was handing her the big box of slimming pills ….
 
According to a new poll, almost 90% of women claim they wouldn't want to be Kate Middleton.
Because if there are 3 things women hate.
It's weddings, being the centre of attention, and financial security...
 
As some of you may know I do some Tarot reading as a side-line.
Last night a young lady said, “Before I cross your palm with silver I’d like to know what qualifications you have”.
I told her that I didn’t have any qualifications but that I had acquired my gift as I came from a long line of mediums.
Except from my mother, of course, she was an extra large ….
 
Welcome to Word Of The Day.
Now today’s word is Starmer ... Starmer
A Starmer is the name given to a vacuum enclosed by a posh suit.
 
A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !
 

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