Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
Graham Martin is in Hospital:
Who the hell is GRAHAM?
Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"
Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice..........
 

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him, "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says, "No girl, that is no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker, "Come on, what have you got to lose, we can give it a try!?"
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!"
Says the old man, "Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible."
 
I don't know why Christmas is always in December when the shops are crowded.
If they had it in February there would be a far fewer people in the shops.
 
Had some good news from the doctor today.
I was convinced I was suffering from severe depression,
but he says I just have a fairly realistic worldview.
 

Bordon/hants

Old-Salt
A very short female landscape gardener goes to the Doctor and complains about pain in her privates when she walks.

He gets her on the examination table, and after a brief examination says "I am sure I can help your problem, we both know each other well, do you trust me?"

She says "yes of course Doctor"

He goes and gets a pair of scissors (to her alarm) and then says "O.K., here we go, please keep very still"

She lays there crapping it as he goes snip snip snip, but it's not hurting.

"OK, all done" says the Doc after a few mins...." please stand up and try walking"

She gets up gingerly and then does a lap of the surgery and says "Why that's amazing, The pain has totally gone, what on earth did you do"

"Oh quite simple really, I just cut three inches off the top of your wellies!"
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
One week in and Alec Baldwin has still killed more than the Omicron variant!
 

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
What's the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
 

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
What goes pink, red, splat?

A baby in a microwave.
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Nicked from FB


Barry the builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up"

As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up".

Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan." And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up."

The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell "Green side up”.” "What do you say that for?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of ex Army lads laying the turf out front.
 
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
 
Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."
"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Piss off you ******* idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.
 
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
 

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