Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
 
Not that long ago in a local Macdonald's an old man placed an order for one hamburger, chips, and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the chips, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything...
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered 'the teeth'.
 
A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Priti Patel said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Patel said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
Has anyone ever been the right amount of whelmed?
Whelmed means the same as overwhelmed.

Just as Flammable means the same as inflammable. (The last of which, it seems, my stupid fúcking cúnting twátting Amazon speelchucker doesn't recognise.)
 
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.""Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus."
 
We're so poor that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to pay for Christmas,
If things get any worse,
I might have to cancel SKy Sports.
 

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
The teacher asked me "if I give you 20 pounds, and you give 5 to Claire, 5 to Susan and 5 to Mary what would you have?"

Apparently three blow-jobs and a enough for a kebab was not the right answer.
 
The teacher asked me "if I give you 20 pounds, and you give 5 to Claire, 5 to Susan and 5 to Mary what would you have?"

Apparently three blow-jobs and a enough for a kebab was not the right answer.
In a similar vein -

Teacher: Johnny, if you have 10 pounds and you ask your dad for another 10 pounds how much money will you have?
Johnny: 10 pounds miss.
Teacher: You don't know maths Johnny.
Johnny: You don't know my dad miss.
 
Q: If you are given $400 and your daughter texts you and asks for $200 and your son texts you and asks for $200, what do you have?

Mum: $400 and two unread text messages
 
In a similar vein -

Teacher: Johnny, if you have 10 pounds and you ask your dad for another 10 pounds how much money will you have?
Johnny: 10 pounds miss.
Teacher: You don't know maths Johnny.
Johnny: You don't know my dad miss.
The version I heard was "A think ear and an empty pocket, Miss."

Mind you, that was Ayrshire.
 

Hexi Bloke

War Hero
I phoned in sick this morning, my Boss asked;
"We're very busy, just how sick are you?"
I replied;
"Well, Im in bed with my sister".

....taxi...
 
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