Straightforward Crap Jokes! - The "I'll get me coat" Collection.

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
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A large yellow lorry was driving through Lydney one winter day. A local flagged it down.
"Oi driv'rr!" - he shouted - 'You be sheddin' yer load!"
The driver looked back, nodded and said'
"I hope so. I'm gritting!".
 

Dwarf

LE
Book Reviewer
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Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls him up and says, “I just talked to the judge and he refused to accept your grounds for divorce against Minnie Mouse. He said just because you say she's crazy is not sufficient grounds for divorce.”

Mickey replied, “I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fuckin' Goofy!”
 
Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls him up and says, “I just talked to the judge and he refused to accept your grounds for divorce against Minnie Mouse. He said just because you say she's crazy is not sufficient grounds for divorce.”

Mickey replied, “I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fuckin' Goofy!”
I like that one.
 
Many years ago, my son got home from school and said,
"Look at what you could have won, nothing in this game for two in a bed, if you miss all you get is BFH, bus fare home, and tonight's star prize ladies and gentle men is a speedboat, "
"OK, " I said to him, "are you being bullied at school?"
 
I went out to a restaurant yesterday for the first time since Lockdown. When the waitress came over I misheard her and thought she asked 'are you dying alone?'. The answer was still yes....
 
Mickey Mouse's lawyer calls him up and says, “I just talked to the judge and he refused to accept your grounds for divorce against Minnie Mouse. He said just because you say she crazy has got buck teeth is not sufficient grounds for divorce.”

Mickey replied, “I didn't say she's crazy. I said she's fuckin' Goofy!”
That's the version I remember.
 
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do! "
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win...
 

dlrg

LE
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I got up this morning, got dressed and fed the dogs. After that I took them for a walk and while I was out I met my neighbour. He was somewhat embarressed to admit that he had heard all the grunting coming from our bedroom earlier but said it was great that a couple of our age were still having early morning sex.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that was just me putting my socks on.....
 
I was digging in the garden and a found a small chest full of gold coins. I was about to go and tell my wife until I remembered why I was digging in the garden in the first place
 

dlrg

LE
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